Never the Same

I've had conversations about death all my life. When your mom dies when you are young, you get used to talking about it. You also get used to people's odd, uncomfortable, sometimes weird responses to it. If you haven't experienced a lot of loss in your life, or if you just are uncomfortable talking about death, allow me to share my two cents with you. It's never the same. 

Years ago at a family function amidst tears and laughter one of my uncles was recounting stories of his two sisters (who have both passed) and how much he missed them. My cousin and I who both lost our mothers way to early were soaking up every word, he knew these women in a way we never would. As much as he lost he kept saying but I didn't grow up without a mother. His pain was different. He lost two sisters in two years but by this point they were all grown and raising families of their own. There was immense loss, but his day to day was not impacted the same as my homes, or my cousins. We all lost the same two women, but it's not the same.

My cousin story of losing her mother suddenly to a car accident was not the same as mine when I lost a mother after years of battling a brain tumor. She previously had been raised by a single mother and in an instant was being raised by a single grandmother. A women who was still grieving the loss of her daughters now also had to raise a child she never intended to raise. There was immense love but it was not her mothers love. My father had known his fate for years, he had moved his parents in to our home to help with the day to day years before. There was also immense loss and love in my home, but it came with years of built up support and anticipatory work. It's not the same. We both lost our moms, but it's not the same.

Last year a girlfriend of mine lost her husband, she has been a incredible support and shoulder to me. She has given me advice no one who hasn't lost a spouse would know to give. She has allowed me to speak freely about the pain as well as the relief, she has held space for the fucked up with out judgment or advice. Our stories are not similar, we had years to prepare, she had not even a moment. Either way we both are now raising two teenagers as single mothers and we both are now foraging forward with dreams we created with a partner alone. We both know the pain of sleeping (or not sleeping) alone. We both watched our children break as we told them their father's are no longer here, it's a terrible club I hope you never join but even with her, it's not the same.

No matter how good we may appear to you after a loss all our lives are a mess, and no one can understand it.  Not to say the camaraderie of someone who understands you isn't amazing, the story and the feelings are always unique. Death is a part of life, and we are all doing our best but please know we are not the same. 

Our last Christmas together

Our 1st vacation without Jeremy

Doing my best to get by, 

Liz