The year is less than one month old...did you make a resolution? Are you on track? Did you already give up? This year I didn't make a resolution and apparently this is a bold stance to some.
Yesterday I had someone ask me what my new year resolutions were and when I told her I didn't make any she said "Wow, I don't even know what kind of life you must lead to not want anything to change!" I'm not sure how exactly she got from point A to point X but nothing could be farther from the truth. All I could think was wow, where do I even begin? Do I explain all the stuff happening in my life that I want changed that no resolution will fix? In the moment I did not. I did take a moment to tell her, "My goal for 2020 is to be kinder to myself" As astounded she was that I may have no bigger goals for myself, for me that one thing is enough. I have made resolutions in past years and all that I've accomplished is the feeling of failure. Every time I am imperfectly working on a goal I focus on the failure and not the small step that was made. I am tired of feeling like a failure.
So this year instead of seeing a mountain of laundry or dishes and thinking I am not doing enough I will try to see the beautiful joy that is always having food in my belly and clothes on my body. Instead of seeing a roll or a dimple in my skin and thinking I could use a nip or a tuck I will try to see this flesh and bones that have birthed two babes, and is strong and carries me every day. While I attempt to remember that loving myself will only make me better for those around me, I will try to remember it doesn't make me selfish to love myself as I sometimes fall into the habit of thinking. I know this will not be easy for me, I know I am my harshest critic but I will try every day.
Yesterday in an attempt to be kind to myself and also do something for the greater good I donated blood. I've talked about this here before how I know the impact of a blood donation, but you may wonder how that is being kind to myself. Well...I've started inviting friends to join me! So I tripled the impact by inviting two friends but also spent an hour with two friends. So maybe next time invite others to things you know matter, I thought it would be silly to invite someone to donate blood but both my friends eagerly jumped at the opportunity! I guess my giant words of wisdom for you are be kind to yourself. Resolution or not.
With a grateful heart,
Liz
A blog that started as a tale of life raising two crazy boys, into two amazing men now is a diary of our lives up and downs. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed sharing it with you!
Showing posts with label loving life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loving life. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Let's talk Kesem
This post is long overdue sooo here goes: There's this little place that's oh so close to my heart. So much so that I think basically everyone who knows me knows about it. Every time I've tried to write about it here I usually talk myself out of it because I don't want to feel all the things. Today I've decided is a day for feeling, so here goes, lets talk about Camp Kesem!
Kesem is a nationwide community, driven by passionate college student leaders, that supports children through and beyond their parent’s cancer. Kesem is the largest national organization dedicated to supporting children impacted by a parent’s cancer, at no cost to families. Our innovative and fun-filled programs provide children with peers who understand their unique needs, and create long-lasting impact.
That's what their website will tell you, here's what it wont:
For the purpose of this story I will assume your kid like mine has had a parent get cancer, If that is true you have seen your kid become someone different since diagnosis. You've seen their sparkle dim. You've probably put them in counseling, you've offered more love than you thought was possible, and you've excused behaviors you normally wouldn't all in hopes that you could see them sparkle again. Let me tell you a secret, I know how to get the sparkle back!! It's called Camp Kesem, and it's truly Magic!
You may be thinking that I'm hyping this up a bit much, but I promise I won't even do it justice. Let's start at the beginning. Kesem is a nationwide organization that provides summer camp for kids (for free) whose parents have/had or passed from cancer. The camp is put on and paid for by money raised annually by the counselors, who all happen to be college students. OK color me impressed already! When I found out that our local chapter here at UC Davis was not only responsible for raising 150K a year to send kids to camp but that they had to plan all the day to day activities, find mental health professionals, as well as nurses to join them at camp and still be expected to be full time students I was floored. All I could think about was all the things I was doing at their age....imagine more beer and less kids. What kind of people would choose this to be the organization that they committing their college age self to? Well only about the most impressive people I've ever met!
When I first heard about this camp I brought it up with my boys. Wanna hear how excited they were? Their exact words were "You want us to go to a camp where everyone has parents with cancer? Ummm, no thanks!" So it's safe to say we didn't go that year. What we did do was talk about it a couple times, watch a few videos on YouTube and eventually we went to a picnic they host annually to help keep in contact with campers as well as get to know prospective camper families. Basically it's a big field day, a picnic with games for the kiddos all run by those amazing college kids I talked about earlier. I couldn't make it that day so Jeremy and the boys went without me, when I asked about it after it was as if I had asked about a trip to Disneyland. They couldn't stop talking about all these people they'd met. Honestly I only understood about a third of what they were saying because all the counselors go by funny names so I kept having to ask things like "Is splash a person? Beatz is his name not a sound right?" What I never had to ask was if they had fun. The joy was all over their faces. Needless to say that year was the boys first summer at Camp Kesem.
Drop off happens at a park in Davis on a Sunday in early summer. We were all nervous, knowing they would have each other made all of us a little calmer. Jeremy and I had big plans for our child free week which ended up looking like work, dinner, pass out...it was too quick and pretty great. Friday rolled around and we couldn't wait to pick up our two boys. As they came off the buses one thing became quiet clear, we had definitely missed them more than they had missed us. We got a giant hug from each of them as they ran quickly back to their friends and counselors. The car ride home was where we started to learn about Kesem. It started simple "So how was camp?" After a quiet pause a simple "Mom, Kesem is Magic" slipped out of Oliver's mouth. They both had been very worried about having to share their cancer connection. I had checked and reassured them several times before they left that no one was made to share their story. If they decided to share their story it was completely up to them. So I cautiously asked "did you talk about papa?" this was answered by Sawyer "Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." I won't lie I wanted to hear everything!!!! But part of the magic I've learned is that they have this safe community that is all their own.
Over the years I have had glimpses in to their camp experiences, Sawyer shared once that during cabin chat he had been sharing with his group about how his father had missed two of his birthdays while in the hospital, he said when he was done the boy next to him shared that his dad had missed every one of his birthdays since he was six. This was one of the first times that I know Sawyer completely understood that even though his dad had missed something very important, the most important thing was that his dad was here. His dad got to tuck him in at night and wake him every morning. I had tried for years to explain how fortunate he was for years and all he could see was that his dad had missed two of his birthdays. The words he used to express his feelings about these campers were that he had found his people and I could see it in his face that his heart was healing. As sad as that story sounds it was something that through the years I hadn't been able to impart on him. The growth I see in my boys yearly on their week away continues to amaze me. If that week was all we got out of camp it would be more than enough but throughout the years camp has escaped the confines of the one week away and has slipped in to our everyday lives. Counselors have come to watch my boys play soccer, as well as joined them for pick up games at the park on a weekend. We've invited some in to our homes for dinner, pumpkin carving, even just some good old fashioned video game playing. They are eager to connect, and have truly become a second family.
Every year people graduate and move on from Kesem and the whole family thinks well next year won't be as good, and somehow new amazing faces show up and wrap their arms (literally and figuratively) around us all. Here's where I as a parent know that these people are honestly super humans, as they graduate their commitment to this organization is completed, their duty done, yet I don't have enough hands to count all the graduates who are now just friends. After graduation if they wanted they could just use this as a resume addition and have a little karmic deposit to cash in on in the future, but to them it is so much more. To us it is too.
Since becoming a part of this community I've dedicated a lot of time to helping them raise money, for one simple reason More $ = More kids at camp! No child in this situation should feel out of place or like they don't know where they belong. No child should be forced to grow up before their time. Kesem is dedicating to giving these kids their childhood, and a community. If you know of anyone who has a child whose parent has dealt with cancer, invite them to research Camp Kesem and if you don't know anyone (that's amazing) but maybe you could still help send a kid to camp?
Kesem is a nationwide community, driven by passionate college student leaders, that supports children through and beyond their parent’s cancer. Kesem is the largest national organization dedicated to supporting children impacted by a parent’s cancer, at no cost to families. Our innovative and fun-filled programs provide children with peers who understand their unique needs, and create long-lasting impact.
That's what their website will tell you, here's what it wont:
For the purpose of this story I will assume your kid like mine has had a parent get cancer, If that is true you have seen your kid become someone different since diagnosis. You've seen their sparkle dim. You've probably put them in counseling, you've offered more love than you thought was possible, and you've excused behaviors you normally wouldn't all in hopes that you could see them sparkle again. Let me tell you a secret, I know how to get the sparkle back!! It's called Camp Kesem, and it's truly Magic!
You may be thinking that I'm hyping this up a bit much, but I promise I won't even do it justice. Let's start at the beginning. Kesem is a nationwide organization that provides summer camp for kids (for free) whose parents have/had or passed from cancer. The camp is put on and paid for by money raised annually by the counselors, who all happen to be college students. OK color me impressed already! When I found out that our local chapter here at UC Davis was not only responsible for raising 150K a year to send kids to camp but that they had to plan all the day to day activities, find mental health professionals, as well as nurses to join them at camp and still be expected to be full time students I was floored. All I could think about was all the things I was doing at their age....imagine more beer and less kids. What kind of people would choose this to be the organization that they committing their college age self to? Well only about the most impressive people I've ever met!
When I first heard about this camp I brought it up with my boys. Wanna hear how excited they were? Their exact words were "You want us to go to a camp where everyone has parents with cancer? Ummm, no thanks!" So it's safe to say we didn't go that year. What we did do was talk about it a couple times, watch a few videos on YouTube and eventually we went to a picnic they host annually to help keep in contact with campers as well as get to know prospective camper families. Basically it's a big field day, a picnic with games for the kiddos all run by those amazing college kids I talked about earlier. I couldn't make it that day so Jeremy and the boys went without me, when I asked about it after it was as if I had asked about a trip to Disneyland. They couldn't stop talking about all these people they'd met. Honestly I only understood about a third of what they were saying because all the counselors go by funny names so I kept having to ask things like "Is splash a person? Beatz is his name not a sound right?" What I never had to ask was if they had fun. The joy was all over their faces. Needless to say that year was the boys first summer at Camp Kesem.
Drop off happens at a park in Davis on a Sunday in early summer. We were all nervous, knowing they would have each other made all of us a little calmer. Jeremy and I had big plans for our child free week which ended up looking like work, dinner, pass out...it was too quick and pretty great. Friday rolled around and we couldn't wait to pick up our two boys. As they came off the buses one thing became quiet clear, we had definitely missed them more than they had missed us. We got a giant hug from each of them as they ran quickly back to their friends and counselors. The car ride home was where we started to learn about Kesem. It started simple "So how was camp?" After a quiet pause a simple "Mom, Kesem is Magic" slipped out of Oliver's mouth. They both had been very worried about having to share their cancer connection. I had checked and reassured them several times before they left that no one was made to share their story. If they decided to share their story it was completely up to them. So I cautiously asked "did you talk about papa?" this was answered by Sawyer "Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." I won't lie I wanted to hear everything!!!! But part of the magic I've learned is that they have this safe community that is all their own.
Over the years I have had glimpses in to their camp experiences, Sawyer shared once that during cabin chat he had been sharing with his group about how his father had missed two of his birthdays while in the hospital, he said when he was done the boy next to him shared that his dad had missed every one of his birthdays since he was six. This was one of the first times that I know Sawyer completely understood that even though his dad had missed something very important, the most important thing was that his dad was here. His dad got to tuck him in at night and wake him every morning. I had tried for years to explain how fortunate he was for years and all he could see was that his dad had missed two of his birthdays. The words he used to express his feelings about these campers were that he had found his people and I could see it in his face that his heart was healing. As sad as that story sounds it was something that through the years I hadn't been able to impart on him. The growth I see in my boys yearly on their week away continues to amaze me. If that week was all we got out of camp it would be more than enough but throughout the years camp has escaped the confines of the one week away and has slipped in to our everyday lives. Counselors have come to watch my boys play soccer, as well as joined them for pick up games at the park on a weekend. We've invited some in to our homes for dinner, pumpkin carving, even just some good old fashioned video game playing. They are eager to connect, and have truly become a second family.
Every year people graduate and move on from Kesem and the whole family thinks well next year won't be as good, and somehow new amazing faces show up and wrap their arms (literally and figuratively) around us all. Here's where I as a parent know that these people are honestly super humans, as they graduate their commitment to this organization is completed, their duty done, yet I don't have enough hands to count all the graduates who are now just friends. After graduation if they wanted they could just use this as a resume addition and have a little karmic deposit to cash in on in the future, but to them it is so much more. To us it is too.
Since becoming a part of this community I've dedicated a lot of time to helping them raise money, for one simple reason More $ = More kids at camp! No child in this situation should feel out of place or like they don't know where they belong. No child should be forced to grow up before their time. Kesem is dedicating to giving these kids their childhood, and a community. If you know of anyone who has a child whose parent has dealt with cancer, invite them to research Camp Kesem and if you don't know anyone (that's amazing) but maybe you could still help send a kid to camp?
Monday, April 18, 2016
Mi Familia
I would venture to guess if you've spent more then an afternoon with me you know how close I am to my family. They are my best friends, my confidants, my reality keepers, can't get away with shit(ers) my all around favorite people in the world. We ache together when there is heartache, we laugh together when there is joy, we party together......every time we are together and mainly all I remember is the LOVE!! So much fucking love!
A few weeks ago my brother announced he was gonna bring his kids down to visit for spring break, I was of course thrilled, my sisters were not! They were sad they wouldn't get to see them, so they packed up and came up to visit! So we had 5 families in 1 city for the first time in a long time, and it was great! I remember being a kid and meeting up with my cousins at my grandmas house for sleepovers. I remember my cousins being my first secret keepers. Watching these relationships develop amongst my kids with there cousins is magical. They want to be together. They cry about being apart. They love each other soooooo hard it hurts.
...and if this is the only good thing I do in my life, I will be ok with that.
These ones are mine, and I forever will be grateful because life would be unbearable without them.
A few weeks ago my brother announced he was gonna bring his kids down to visit for spring break, I was of course thrilled, my sisters were not! They were sad they wouldn't get to see them, so they packed up and came up to visit! So we had 5 families in 1 city for the first time in a long time, and it was great! I remember being a kid and meeting up with my cousins at my grandmas house for sleepovers. I remember my cousins being my first secret keepers. Watching these relationships develop amongst my kids with there cousins is magical. They want to be together. They cry about being apart. They love each other soooooo hard it hurts.
These are my kids people, their tribe....
...and if this is the only good thing I do in my life, I will be ok with that.
These ones are mine, and I forever will be grateful because life would be unbearable without them.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Real Boys Cry
This weekend Jeremy and I had the joy of taking our boys to their first concert, and it was awesome. Many parts of it were just as expected. The twinkle in their eyes and the wonder on their faces was everything we were hoping. Jeremy and I have been to a few concerts and every time the boys would ask if they could go to one, so we started hunting for the right concert...we settled on Zac Brown Band. We listen to a lot of country around here so they know the music already and it turned out to be the perfect intro to big concerts but it came with one big surprise.
The concert had been going for about an hour, maybe more when Sawyer sat down in one of the chairs we had brought. I assumed he was just tired, it was after all a late night, but I went to check on him to be sure. He asked if I'd sit with him for a little bit. Of course I did. As we sat and rocked out to some great live music, Sawyer snuggled into me and said, I feel like crying. Usually this isn't something you want to hear so I asked him why "Mom, I'm just sooo happy! I can't believe this is happening and I just, I'm just so happy!" Feeling so loved that you want to cry is not a feeling everyone gets or is able to verbalize, I was stunned by my sweet boy once again. I responded the only way I knew how "Cry Sawyer, if you are so happy you need to cry, please do!"
Before the words were even out of my mouth he had leaned in and was sobbing!! Not little tears, big giant alligator tears rolling down his cheeks, heaving sobs coming from his chest, my heart melting in my chest. I have held tears before, hell I'm probably holding some now, and that pain is immense. It is also too often what we are told, we are told to hold it all in. Told to suck it up, to get over it...whether it's joy or pain the sentiment is keep it in. My little man looked up at me and his eyes said thank you. Tears streaming down both our cheeks I said again "anytime you need to cry that is an ok time to cry, and I will hold you anytime you want." He cried more and you could literally feel his body softening. He finally let go. I know joy started those tears but they were filled with fear, and sadness also. I couldn't believe he had held it so long. I couldn't believe he thought he needed to hold on to it longer. He needed permission to let it out, and that was hard for me. I don't want to raise a man who can't cry. It will do him no good to hold it in. I whispered in his ear how proud I was of him, how much he was loved, and how special it was that next time we hear this song on the radio I will be able to think about this moment, sitting under the stars, holding my heart in my arms. We spent the rest of the evening cuddling in that chair, and it was perfect.
As we walked back to our car with his hand in mine he said "Mom thank you so much for inviting me to this"
The concert had been going for about an hour, maybe more when Sawyer sat down in one of the chairs we had brought. I assumed he was just tired, it was after all a late night, but I went to check on him to be sure. He asked if I'd sit with him for a little bit. Of course I did. As we sat and rocked out to some great live music, Sawyer snuggled into me and said, I feel like crying. Usually this isn't something you want to hear so I asked him why "Mom, I'm just sooo happy! I can't believe this is happening and I just, I'm just so happy!" Feeling so loved that you want to cry is not a feeling everyone gets or is able to verbalize, I was stunned by my sweet boy once again. I responded the only way I knew how "Cry Sawyer, if you are so happy you need to cry, please do!"
Before the words were even out of my mouth he had leaned in and was sobbing!! Not little tears, big giant alligator tears rolling down his cheeks, heaving sobs coming from his chest, my heart melting in my chest. I have held tears before, hell I'm probably holding some now, and that pain is immense. It is also too often what we are told, we are told to hold it all in. Told to suck it up, to get over it...whether it's joy or pain the sentiment is keep it in. My little man looked up at me and his eyes said thank you. Tears streaming down both our cheeks I said again "anytime you need to cry that is an ok time to cry, and I will hold you anytime you want." He cried more and you could literally feel his body softening. He finally let go. I know joy started those tears but they were filled with fear, and sadness also. I couldn't believe he had held it so long. I couldn't believe he thought he needed to hold on to it longer. He needed permission to let it out, and that was hard for me. I don't want to raise a man who can't cry. It will do him no good to hold it in. I whispered in his ear how proud I was of him, how much he was loved, and how special it was that next time we hear this song on the radio I will be able to think about this moment, sitting under the stars, holding my heart in my arms. We spent the rest of the evening cuddling in that chair, and it was perfect.
As we walked back to our car with his hand in mine he said "Mom thank you so much for inviting me to this"
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Progression
So besides being a great venting place this blog gives me a great timeline to look back on what has happened in the past. I decided to do a little looking back the other day and one blog specifically hit a spot with me, you can read my self plug but come back and hear all about how much I've grown. So I am still firmly on team, cancer doesn't get to control my life. I haven't given into the black hole that is trying to consume me, I have lost some sanity into it but not enough to fret over, but I haven't jumped or been pushed all the way in. Cancer is a small part of our lives that most people would never know existed in our home if we didn't share that it was there. This is something I am proud of, I am happy to be able to say my family is (for the most part) a normal, healthy, fun loving family that has to deal with this little thing every now and again. We thrive in spite of it.
The part I wish I could still agree with from that last blog is that my children most definitely will remember this. You can't forget missed birthdays, Christmas's, hell whole months without your father. Their souls know things, and once you have that knowing you can't un-live it. I have resigned myself to this, and I am only a little saddened by it. I have grown. We have grown. Speaking about cancer as openly as we always have scared me, I worried I was saying too much for their little minds to wrap around, but I proceed anyway. Telling them the whole truth scared me, but we did so knowing they would always trust us even if it made them angry/sad/confused when hearing it. We have grown. Sure they still have fear and questions, who wouldn't, but hearing my 8yr old walk into the kitchen after we return from a Dr's appointment and say "So did they get the cancer? Is it gone?" brought me an eerie calm. He felt safe. He knew exactly what was going on, he wasn't acting out to get attention, he was direct and needing reassurance from his parents. I didn't have a pit in stomach as I explained that this was just a planning appointment and that there would be more planning appointment's before they started actually killing cancer. His response let me know I didn't need to be scared, "ok good, can I have an apple? Did you hear about my baseball practice today?" This may not sound like an ideal conversation to be having with an 8 or 6 year old but this is our lives. They have a father who has cancer, they will not be consumed by it, I won't let them. I don't know what kind of men they will become and I have no idea how today's circumstances in their lives will shape them into those men but I can be certain it will shape them. They will have their knowing. So we stick to our guns we honor honesty, we allow room for mistakes, and we trust the unknown together so that someday these men I'm raising will be able to hold their heads high knowing nothing is impossible, living is a gift.
The part I wish I could still agree with from that last blog is that my children most definitely will remember this. You can't forget missed birthdays, Christmas's, hell whole months without your father. Their souls know things, and once you have that knowing you can't un-live it. I have resigned myself to this, and I am only a little saddened by it. I have grown. We have grown. Speaking about cancer as openly as we always have scared me, I worried I was saying too much for their little minds to wrap around, but I proceed anyway. Telling them the whole truth scared me, but we did so knowing they would always trust us even if it made them angry/sad/confused when hearing it. We have grown. Sure they still have fear and questions, who wouldn't, but hearing my 8yr old walk into the kitchen after we return from a Dr's appointment and say "So did they get the cancer? Is it gone?" brought me an eerie calm. He felt safe. He knew exactly what was going on, he wasn't acting out to get attention, he was direct and needing reassurance from his parents. I didn't have a pit in stomach as I explained that this was just a planning appointment and that there would be more planning appointment's before they started actually killing cancer. His response let me know I didn't need to be scared, "ok good, can I have an apple? Did you hear about my baseball practice today?" This may not sound like an ideal conversation to be having with an 8 or 6 year old but this is our lives. They have a father who has cancer, they will not be consumed by it, I won't let them. I don't know what kind of men they will become and I have no idea how today's circumstances in their lives will shape them into those men but I can be certain it will shape them. They will have their knowing. So we stick to our guns we honor honesty, we allow room for mistakes, and we trust the unknown together so that someday these men I'm raising will be able to hold their heads high knowing nothing is impossible, living is a gift.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Love, Sunshine and Rainbows
So on this day of mandatory loving, this is just note about hating love sometimes.......
In the last year I have started and continued going to the gym, people around me have noticed and encouraged me along the way. Many have asked how I do it, honestly I think the only part that confuses them is that I get up at 4:30am to work out, but either way I have said every time it took me 5 yrs post last kid to be able to do any of it. I wake up at 4:30 because it doesn't effect anyone in my house but me. It makes the least waves and it creates the biggest calm.
This week reminded me exactly why it took so long to make ME a priority. This week I wasn't the priority. This week I went from dealing with one sick kid to another to a sick adult. This week I fell into a very comfortable, familiar role, albeit one that I do not like, familiar nonetheless. In this familiar role I was up all night propping coughing kids up or getting ice packs for feverish heads and I was missing work (and night's out with friends) to cuddle my loves. The only difference was this week I was still trying to make time for me, several times this week as I was leaving the house at 4:30am I was not the only one awake, and it's hard to leave when you haven't slept all night and are already leaving the house awake. I cherish my mornings now. I love waking up by myself, getting a great work out in, then returning home to a hot cup of coffee and shower before anyone else has even cracked their eyelids open. I have come to enjoy the moment I take for myself everyday, and feel like a better person the rest of the day because of it.
Trying to be everything for everyone in my house is extremely exhausting, any mom will tell you the same thing. Yet it doesn't change the outcome. We still try to be more then is humanly possible. We still blame ourselves when we aren't. We still give and give till there's nothing in us for us. This week reminded me of that. I fell into bad eating habits, I skipped my me time, and I was grumpier because of it, but here's the kicker....I'll do it again next week if I need to! My family does come first. I will stay up all night every night if that's what needs to be done, I will make sure they are well before, after and during anything I do for myself. It sounds crazy, even as I type it I'm thinking you are insane! My only solace is that right now today, I have felt the freedom of having me time, I know what it takes to make me a priority, and I will do it again. I will struggle through these moments, and I will not be (too) hard on myself because love makes you do strange things sometimes.
....Let's be stupid together!
In the last year I have started and continued going to the gym, people around me have noticed and encouraged me along the way. Many have asked how I do it, honestly I think the only part that confuses them is that I get up at 4:30am to work out, but either way I have said every time it took me 5 yrs post last kid to be able to do any of it. I wake up at 4:30 because it doesn't effect anyone in my house but me. It makes the least waves and it creates the biggest calm.
This week reminded me exactly why it took so long to make ME a priority. This week I wasn't the priority. This week I went from dealing with one sick kid to another to a sick adult. This week I fell into a very comfortable, familiar role, albeit one that I do not like, familiar nonetheless. In this familiar role I was up all night propping coughing kids up or getting ice packs for feverish heads and I was missing work (and night's out with friends) to cuddle my loves. The only difference was this week I was still trying to make time for me, several times this week as I was leaving the house at 4:30am I was not the only one awake, and it's hard to leave when you haven't slept all night and are already leaving the house awake. I cherish my mornings now. I love waking up by myself, getting a great work out in, then returning home to a hot cup of coffee and shower before anyone else has even cracked their eyelids open. I have come to enjoy the moment I take for myself everyday, and feel like a better person the rest of the day because of it.
Trying to be everything for everyone in my house is extremely exhausting, any mom will tell you the same thing. Yet it doesn't change the outcome. We still try to be more then is humanly possible. We still blame ourselves when we aren't. We still give and give till there's nothing in us for us. This week reminded me of that. I fell into bad eating habits, I skipped my me time, and I was grumpier because of it, but here's the kicker....I'll do it again next week if I need to! My family does come first. I will stay up all night every night if that's what needs to be done, I will make sure they are well before, after and during anything I do for myself. It sounds crazy, even as I type it I'm thinking you are insane! My only solace is that right now today, I have felt the freedom of having me time, I know what it takes to make me a priority, and I will do it again. I will struggle through these moments, and I will not be (too) hard on myself because love makes you do strange things sometimes.
Friday, January 2, 2015
An Attitude of Gratitude
Before I start I realize I've never really cleared up Jeremy's scan stuff! So he did have both follow ups and both tests came back good. The liver one is completely clear, and the lung one has a small area (like less then 4cm) that looks like an infection, they will need to rescan that again in a few months to be sure that an infection is all it was. Thank you all for always keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!
Ok moving on. This year for Christmas we went absolutely no where! And it was FABULOUS!! The holidays had gone from one of our very favorite times of the year to one of our most hated seasons in recent years. With all of Jeremy's illness centering around this time, it's been hard to feel grateful or even just happy around Christmas time, this year was different. Under much pressure from some family members (that will remain nameless for their safety) we decided not to travel this year, Jeremy and I worried the boys might be sad about this, but honestly they weren't. We woke up Christmas morning opened presents and stockings, then Jeremy's mom and dad came over and we had a late brunch and round two of presents. After a quiet movie on the couch we all went for a walk, then started prepping our dinner. It was bedtime when Oliver pointed out how we hadn't gotten out of our pj's ALL DAY!! He was so proud of himself! He's been wanting a pj day for a long time. In that moment I realized that Christmas time is coming around for us again.
As the last year has come to an end and 2015 has started a lot of my friends on social media have been talking about how crappy last year was and how ready they were for the bright new beginnings coming, and all I kept thinking how lucky I am not to feel the same way. 2014 brought me untold happiness. A year ago today I was wine tasting on a party bus with my family and friends, and it was an amazing day! Then we went to Disneyland as a family for a few days, ummm who doesn't want to start a year at the happiest place on earth? Last year we vacationed at the beach for spring break, Jeremy and I took our first solo trip (requiring an airplane) since having kids, we got to watch friends exchange vows, we camped, we swam (a lot), we moved, I started and stuck with a fitness program, and we just played!! We lived so hard! It exhausts me just thinking about all the fun we had, and I would trade very little of it.
This year is starting much slower, we don't have anything planned right now, we have unconsciously created a quiet moment and it has been bliss. I am not going to make a new years resolution, I am just going to continue my journey. My journey has taken a turn full of sunshine and green grass, cloudless skies and blue water....it's beautiful. I am grateful for this turn every day. 2014 was a great year in Casa Kennish, but don't let that fool you I have even bigger expectations for 2015 because of it!
This is how we rang in the new year, with a family hike on a beautiful sunny day.
Ok moving on. This year for Christmas we went absolutely no where! And it was FABULOUS!! The holidays had gone from one of our very favorite times of the year to one of our most hated seasons in recent years. With all of Jeremy's illness centering around this time, it's been hard to feel grateful or even just happy around Christmas time, this year was different. Under much pressure from some family members (that will remain nameless for their safety) we decided not to travel this year, Jeremy and I worried the boys might be sad about this, but honestly they weren't. We woke up Christmas morning opened presents and stockings, then Jeremy's mom and dad came over and we had a late brunch and round two of presents. After a quiet movie on the couch we all went for a walk, then started prepping our dinner. It was bedtime when Oliver pointed out how we hadn't gotten out of our pj's ALL DAY!! He was so proud of himself! He's been wanting a pj day for a long time. In that moment I realized that Christmas time is coming around for us again.
As the last year has come to an end and 2015 has started a lot of my friends on social media have been talking about how crappy last year was and how ready they were for the bright new beginnings coming, and all I kept thinking how lucky I am not to feel the same way. 2014 brought me untold happiness. A year ago today I was wine tasting on a party bus with my family and friends, and it was an amazing day! Then we went to Disneyland as a family for a few days, ummm who doesn't want to start a year at the happiest place on earth? Last year we vacationed at the beach for spring break, Jeremy and I took our first solo trip (requiring an airplane) since having kids, we got to watch friends exchange vows, we camped, we swam (a lot), we moved, I started and stuck with a fitness program, and we just played!! We lived so hard! It exhausts me just thinking about all the fun we had, and I would trade very little of it.
This year is starting much slower, we don't have anything planned right now, we have unconsciously created a quiet moment and it has been bliss. I am not going to make a new years resolution, I am just going to continue my journey. My journey has taken a turn full of sunshine and green grass, cloudless skies and blue water....it's beautiful. I am grateful for this turn every day. 2014 was a great year in Casa Kennish, but don't let that fool you I have even bigger expectations for 2015 because of it!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Winter
I never really know how to start a blog, it's always about a million sentences running over and over in my head until they somehow form themselves into a little mini story, and then bam done. The beginning though is always me against a wall....figuring out what's the point, what do I want to tell you, and how, how do I make you feel what I felt.
Winter is not my favorite season, but it is always thought of with a loving smile in my book. I can't exactly say why since in my family a lot of death has happened in winter, but with death always comes a lot of love. Winter holds so much of the years good will. People talk about how much they love each other, people go out of their way to be nice, and of course people party, I love all these things. There are other reasons I love winter too, like today, today is my little sister's birthday. She is not near me today, and as much as I wish I could have kissed her she knows I thought of her all day. She always makes me love winter! Well really she makes me love living. Maria is so much funner then I've ever been. She is the person I think of when I'm scared to do something, for nothing scares her....well nothing except the dark. Every day I count myself lucky to have her in my life, and even luckier that she is my kids aunt.
Tomorrow makes me love winter too. Tomorrow my Sawyer will be eight. Recently I was texting with my friend Sam, and told him that Sawyer was about to be 8 and his response was so perfect I wanted to cry....
I tried paraphrasing it but decided it wasn't as nice as just reading his words. Besides our family Sam was the only person to come see us at the hospital after having Sawyer, he didn't even want to hold Sawyer (but I made him) and I was so touched that he had made a point to come see us. Sam makes me love winter, and also happens to have a winter birthday.
I'm not sure that tonight I had a point, a thought or a feeling I wanted you to feel specifically except that this crazy ride we are on seems to be gaining speed. I remember my parents friends from when I was growing up, I remember the fun I had at my aunt's houses and I can't help but smile knowing these are the people my kids will be thinking of when they are "old". Tonight I am nothing but in love with winter and all the joy it has brought to my life.
Winter is not my favorite season, but it is always thought of with a loving smile in my book. I can't exactly say why since in my family a lot of death has happened in winter, but with death always comes a lot of love. Winter holds so much of the years good will. People talk about how much they love each other, people go out of their way to be nice, and of course people party, I love all these things. There are other reasons I love winter too, like today, today is my little sister's birthday. She is not near me today, and as much as I wish I could have kissed her she knows I thought of her all day. She always makes me love winter! Well really she makes me love living. Maria is so much funner then I've ever been. She is the person I think of when I'm scared to do something, for nothing scares her....well nothing except the dark. Every day I count myself lucky to have her in my life, and even luckier that she is my kids aunt.
Tomorrow makes me love winter too. Tomorrow my Sawyer will be eight. Recently I was texting with my friend Sam, and told him that Sawyer was about to be 8 and his response was so perfect I wanted to cry....
I'm not sure that tonight I had a point, a thought or a feeling I wanted you to feel specifically except that this crazy ride we are on seems to be gaining speed. I remember my parents friends from when I was growing up, I remember the fun I had at my aunt's houses and I can't help but smile knowing these are the people my kids will be thinking of when they are "old". Tonight I am nothing but in love with winter and all the joy it has brought to my life.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Life Goes On
I'll get right to the point, I have no news on Jeremy, but feel free to keep reading (or not) to hear about other stuff.
It's been in some ways, a very long couple of weeks. I keep pretending that as soon as my mind is clear it doesn't wander to some form of "please don't be back" thought, but that is pretty much exactly where it goes. Luckily we've had some great distractions while we wait for the results. Since Thanksgiving was last week and we had the whole week off school we decided to pack up and head north! The boys spent all week playing with cousins and I got to spend all week surrounded by the warmth of family I don't see often enough. We played in the cold, we played in the rain, and on our last day we even played in the snow. When you are having so much fun it was hard to remember the reality of what awaits you at home, but it was easy to remember that life goes on. No matter how crappy I felt on days, I had to remember that there were small people (who have no idea about my troubles) waiting to see me smile. So we played...
It's been in some ways, a very long couple of weeks. I keep pretending that as soon as my mind is clear it doesn't wander to some form of "please don't be back" thought, but that is pretty much exactly where it goes. Luckily we've had some great distractions while we wait for the results. Since Thanksgiving was last week and we had the whole week off school we decided to pack up and head north! The boys spent all week playing with cousins and I got to spend all week surrounded by the warmth of family I don't see often enough. We played in the cold, we played in the rain, and on our last day we even played in the snow. When you are having so much fun it was hard to remember the reality of what awaits you at home, but it was easy to remember that life goes on. No matter how crappy I felt on days, I had to remember that there were small people (who have no idea about my troubles) waiting to see me smile. So we played...
Monday, November 17, 2014
Cancer the gift that keeps on giving
As much as I'd like to say that since Jeremy got home from the hospital in March of 2013 we haven't thought about cancer once, that would be a big fat lie. I can't even say most of the thoughts have been in relief that it's all over. If I'm being honest, most of our thoughts have been fear. Fear that we aren't actually out of it's grasp. Jeremy is getting ready to have his two year post transplant scan this afternoon. Now that is a sentence I feared I'd never write. But seriously TWO YEARS!! Two Years since he last received treatment, that's just crazy!! Recently (on separate instances) my sisters asked me when Jeremy's next scan was, both times different realizations hit me. The first time I had to count how long it had been since he's had a scan, I couldn't remember if it was a one year or two year post transplant scan. I can honestly say since our journey has started that has never happened. The second time I was asked about the scan, my other sister asked if it felt like forever ago, like a dream or distant memory, and as much as I wanted to say yes the answer that stuck in my throat was no. It still haunts our lives on a regular basis. Sure daily we aren't as consumed as we once were, but any little, unexpected, trivial life happening (like watching a movie) can put us back in "cancer mode" before we even know what hit us. Or big things like an upcoming scan create the same panic they have since the very first one. I have to think this fear will start subsiding as the scans gain bigger and bigger numbers in front of them but I honestly don't know.
Coincidences, do yo believe in them? I don't, I feel like everything happens for a reason. A reason we may not know or like if we do know but not by accident. So my big fat coincidence is that today Jeremy has a scan, but 26 years ago today, November 17, my mother passed away. I consider this to be a reminder that no one is promised tomorrow, it reminds us to cherish today with those we love. More though it comforts me to know that today as Jeremy is undergoing his scan, my mother will be standing beside him, holding his hand, wrapping him in the comfort of someone else who has walked this path before. Although I know their journeys are different and their stories will end differently, for two people who never met, they will understand each other in a way I will never understand either. I gain comfort in knowing that maybe she will make him feel safe in a way I cannot make him feel.
So again dear family and friends I beg your best wishes be sent my families way today. Just for a moment, a simple "you got this Jeremy" will suffice, because no matter how long our days have been you all have been the sunshine on our rainy days. Thank you for never letting us go wanting for support.
The pictures are there to show you one thing, what Jeremy has been doing for the last 2 years....Living!
All my love today and always
Coincidences, do yo believe in them? I don't, I feel like everything happens for a reason. A reason we may not know or like if we do know but not by accident. So my big fat coincidence is that today Jeremy has a scan, but 26 years ago today, November 17, my mother passed away. I consider this to be a reminder that no one is promised tomorrow, it reminds us to cherish today with those we love. More though it comforts me to know that today as Jeremy is undergoing his scan, my mother will be standing beside him, holding his hand, wrapping him in the comfort of someone else who has walked this path before. Although I know their journeys are different and their stories will end differently, for two people who never met, they will understand each other in a way I will never understand either. I gain comfort in knowing that maybe she will make him feel safe in a way I cannot make him feel.
So again dear family and friends I beg your best wishes be sent my families way today. Just for a moment, a simple "you got this Jeremy" will suffice, because no matter how long our days have been you all have been the sunshine on our rainy days. Thank you for never letting us go wanting for support.
The pictures are there to show you one thing, what Jeremy has been doing for the last 2 years....Living!
All my love today and always
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Hide your crazy
There seems to be this thing happening in life these days where no one wants to say their life is anything but amazeballs. Seems like that's a good thing right? I mean I want my friends and families lives to be amazing, filled with love and laughter and never a hard moment, except life isn't that beautiful. Well not all the time anyway.
I've had my share of troubles and you know the one, seriously the only bright spot to being in a REALLY shitty period, is the people who love you through it all. We all seem to be so consumed making others believe our life is exactly "as it should be" (whatever that means) that we are robbing ourselves and others of the gift of stepping up for each other. But what makes me sadder is that we feel alone through our really hard times. Instead of reaching out and finding solace in our friends and family we retreat into our own little world where we think we are alone and no one else has been here. Maybe no one has, but chances are they will still listen and love you no matter what. We all try so hard to hide our crazy that we feel crazier then we really are. Your crazy may not look like mine, but it doesn't mean that I don't have my own. It doesn't mean I don't understand the feelings you are having. It also doesn't mean that even if I have no idea what you are going through that I wouldn't want to be a shoulder for you to cry on or listening ear for your frustrations.
Very recently a friend told me "I'm not going to even try to explain it to you, because you would never understand. You've had it so easy!" I was so sad and hurt by this (to be fair I completely understood why he felt this way) but to not even want to talk about something that was keeping him up at night and totally stressing him out, and not want to share with close friends made me angry. We've come to this place where we look at others lives and if it doesn't look the same as everyone else then we are now incompatible to hold deep conversations and it's sad place to be in my opinion.
When Jeremy was sick no one, and I mean no one, wanted to tell us anything was wrong with them......EVER. Once in awhile we would be able to break through the walls and get them to share a little of what was going on and we always felt good knowing we weren't the only ones having a hard time or thankful that we weren't having the problem they were having. I know that sounds selfish, but seriously every problem no matter how big or small made us feel normal and when you are in crisis feeling like you are normal is an awesome feeling. I guess now that I've written this all out, I feel kinda silly, but I really want people to start sharing their crazy a little more. Or at least stop making it look like your life is all fuckin shits and giggles because there may be someone out there seeing it feeling shitty about their life even more after seeing how perfect, your imperfect life is.
How about, we are having a cookie together because it's too early for mom to have a beer or put the kids to bed.
All these photos were taken during non-optimal moments but guess what, I don't caption them or post them as such, I post them as look at my cute family pics. That stops now. I will still post the same cute pics or not cute pics but I will be honest about my crazy. My life is not perfect, but I choose to be apart of it everyday. I choose that this is exactly the crazy I can handle, some day it may not be, but today this is me.
I've had my share of troubles and you know the one, seriously the only bright spot to being in a REALLY shitty period, is the people who love you through it all. We all seem to be so consumed making others believe our life is exactly "as it should be" (whatever that means) that we are robbing ourselves and others of the gift of stepping up for each other. But what makes me sadder is that we feel alone through our really hard times. Instead of reaching out and finding solace in our friends and family we retreat into our own little world where we think we are alone and no one else has been here. Maybe no one has, but chances are they will still listen and love you no matter what. We all try so hard to hide our crazy that we feel crazier then we really are. Your crazy may not look like mine, but it doesn't mean that I don't have my own. It doesn't mean I don't understand the feelings you are having. It also doesn't mean that even if I have no idea what you are going through that I wouldn't want to be a shoulder for you to cry on or listening ear for your frustrations.
Very recently a friend told me "I'm not going to even try to explain it to you, because you would never understand. You've had it so easy!" I was so sad and hurt by this (to be fair I completely understood why he felt this way) but to not even want to talk about something that was keeping him up at night and totally stressing him out, and not want to share with close friends made me angry. We've come to this place where we look at others lives and if it doesn't look the same as everyone else then we are now incompatible to hold deep conversations and it's sad place to be in my opinion.
When Jeremy was sick no one, and I mean no one, wanted to tell us anything was wrong with them......EVER. Once in awhile we would be able to break through the walls and get them to share a little of what was going on and we always felt good knowing we weren't the only ones having a hard time or thankful that we weren't having the problem they were having. I know that sounds selfish, but seriously every problem no matter how big or small made us feel normal and when you are in crisis feeling like you are normal is an awesome feeling. I guess now that I've written this all out, I feel kinda silly, but I really want people to start sharing their crazy a little more. Or at least stop making it look like your life is all fuckin shits and giggles because there may be someone out there seeing it feeling shitty about their life even more after seeing how perfect, your imperfect life is.
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Or last fourth of July when I lost my kid at the parade: Finally reunited with his family.
How about, we are having a cookie together because it's too early for mom to have a beer or put the kids to bed.
All these photos were taken during non-optimal moments but guess what, I don't caption them or post them as such, I post them as look at my cute family pics. That stops now. I will still post the same cute pics or not cute pics but I will be honest about my crazy. My life is not perfect, but I choose to be apart of it everyday. I choose that this is exactly the crazy I can handle, some day it may not be, but today this is me.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Remembering
Somethings been on my mind for a while and I wasn't sure how to start talking about it, I don't think I even know yet so I'm just gonna go for it. I have now been a mother to both my boys longer then my mother was in my life. It's odd to even write it. My baby just turned 6.
I don't know why I keep thinking about it, I guess because it makes me feel like everything I do now is even that much more likely to be remembered. One of my great fears in becoming a parent was wondering if my kids would know me. Would we be together long enough for them to remember me? I have small glimpses of memories of me and my mom, my sister who is 3 years younger then me is not sure she has any. Now every passing day I am sure that I have made it into their memories, and somehow, although I'm not sure why, that scares me more. Now the fear has changed to, are these the memories you are hoping to make? Is this the way you want to be remembered? And those thoughts scare the hell out of me.
I guess I have no great advice or words of wisdom for anyone including myself except to say you get to choose how you live each day. You get to plant wonderful seeds for memories. . . if you want to. On my tough days I have a reminder I tell myself:
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
-Peggy O'Mara
I'm choosing to believe that my children will hear how amazing they are and when needed that the voice will remind them to take a deep breathe and try again. I'm hoping they will know that raising others up instead of tearing them down will only make both of them better and that bringing a smile to someones face is sometimes the nicest thing that will happen to that person that day. These are things I remember about my mother.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Ten is Terrific
Ten years ago today, I married my friend. I was 21 and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I got asked by a few friends and family members if I was sure I was really ready to settle down with one man for the rest of my life. My answer today is the same as it was then: I will never know if there is someone else with whom my life might be easier, but I do know that I can be happy for the rest of my life with this man.
The highlights of the last ten years aren't that hard to remember,
these two monkeys are pretty much apart of all of them. The lows aren't that hard to remember either, but the best part of every bad day is that there is always the same face by my side.
This morning I got up, went to the gym then as I was walking back in the door Jeremy was waiting to go to work, I said "hey, happy anniversary!" his response ".....oh yeah, happy anniversary" then with a kiss he was out the door. No fuss, no big deal, just life as usual, and honestly it was perfect. I feel like we've had enough drama to last a lifetime so sometimes just a simple, I still love you, is enough.
Jeremy,
For the next 10 years I wish you nothing but laughter and joy, and I'll just be the lucky girl by your side laughing at all your cheesy jokes. ;) I'm already anxious to see what our journey might still have in store for us, and where we will be at the end of the next ten years. Until then, thank you for making me feel loved and cherished everyday. Thank you for providing for us a life that I've always wanted but mostly thank you for continuing to want more and continuing to dream with me. These dreams are what keep us moving in the same direction, and for that I couldn't be happier. I truly am happy to say ten years later that you are still my friend, and it still seems like a good idea.
All my love today and always,
The highlights of the last ten years aren't that hard to remember,
these two monkeys are pretty much apart of all of them. The lows aren't that hard to remember either, but the best part of every bad day is that there is always the same face by my side.
This morning I got up, went to the gym then as I was walking back in the door Jeremy was waiting to go to work, I said "hey, happy anniversary!" his response ".....oh yeah, happy anniversary" then with a kiss he was out the door. No fuss, no big deal, just life as usual, and honestly it was perfect. I feel like we've had enough drama to last a lifetime so sometimes just a simple, I still love you, is enough.
Jeremy,
For the next 10 years I wish you nothing but laughter and joy, and I'll just be the lucky girl by your side laughing at all your cheesy jokes. ;) I'm already anxious to see what our journey might still have in store for us, and where we will be at the end of the next ten years. Until then, thank you for making me feel loved and cherished everyday. Thank you for providing for us a life that I've always wanted but mostly thank you for continuing to want more and continuing to dream with me. These dreams are what keep us moving in the same direction, and for that I couldn't be happier. I truly am happy to say ten years later that you are still my friend, and it still seems like a good idea.
All my love today and always,
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