Monday, November 17, 2014

Cancer the gift that keeps on giving

As much as I'd like to say that since Jeremy got home from the hospital in March of 2013 we haven't thought about cancer once, that would be a big fat lie. I can't even say most of the thoughts have been in relief that it's all over. If I'm being honest, most of our thoughts have been fear. Fear that we aren't actually out of it's grasp. Jeremy is getting ready to have his  two year post transplant scan this afternoon. Now that is a sentence I feared I'd never write. But seriously TWO YEARS!! Two Years since he last received treatment, that's just crazy!! Recently (on separate instances) my sisters asked me when Jeremy's next scan was, both times different realizations hit me.  The first time I had to count how long it had been since he's had a scan, I couldn't remember if it was a one year or two year post transplant scan. I can honestly say since our journey has started that has never happened. The second time I was asked about the scan, my other sister asked if it felt like forever ago, like a dream or distant memory, and as much as I wanted to say yes the answer that stuck in my throat was no. It still haunts our lives on a regular basis. Sure daily we aren't as consumed as we once were, but any little, unexpected, trivial life happening  (like watching a movie) can put us back in "cancer mode" before we even know what hit us. Or big things like an upcoming scan create the same panic they have since the very first one.  I have to think this fear will start subsiding as the scans gain bigger and bigger numbers in front of them but I honestly don't know.

Coincidences, do yo believe in them? I don't, I feel like everything happens for a reason. A reason we may not know or like if we do know but not by accident. So my big fat coincidence is that today Jeremy has a scan, but 26 years ago today, November 17, my mother passed away.  I consider this to be a reminder that no one is promised tomorrow, it reminds us to cherish today with those we love. More though it comforts me to know that today as Jeremy is undergoing his scan, my mother will be standing beside him, holding his hand, wrapping him in the comfort of someone else who has walked this path before. Although I know their journeys are different and their stories will end differently, for two people who never met, they will understand each other in a way I will never understand either. I gain comfort in knowing that maybe she will make him feel safe in a way I cannot make him feel.

So again dear family and friends I beg your best wishes be sent my families way today. Just for a moment, a simple "you got this Jeremy" will suffice, because no matter how long our days have been you all have been the sunshine on our rainy days. Thank you for never letting us go wanting for support.

The pictures are there to show you one thing, what Jeremy has been doing for the last 2 years....Living!

All my love today and always