Thursday, November 20, 2014

Life in the ish

I don't know why or how but ish has recently become my new adjective of choice for most everything... Did you have a good day? "It was good-ish" How was your dinner? Did you like it? "It was tasty-ish, I guess" I could go on for days (ish) if you wanted, but I think you probably get the idea, and it's probably not the first time you've heard it used so I won't bore you. Today's "ish" I used a lot was to answer this question How are you doing? or this one Are you ok? to both I just say "ehhhh fine-ish?" There's not much else I can say.

So when I sat down to write tonight my intent was to start by writing about privacy and how sometimes even me who claims to be an open book needs it, but when I started nothing came out. I didn't know how or why to write about wanting privacy so I'm not going to, but I am asking for (somewhat) silent support. For some of you who only comment or see this on here or my facebook nothing will be different, but if you are my friend and see me and my kids out and about please don't bring this up! You see my kids hear everything and they sense things, and they are sensitive souls who've been through more then some adults, so as their mama I'm playing guardian...please let them be safe in their bubble.

As you may have guessed with my vague beginning we got Jeremy's scan results back, you probably also guessed they aren't what we were hoping for. They have NOT told us his cancer is back, let me be clear, they do not believe his cancer is back, but the scan had a few things that needed further examination. We have always been honest with the boys so until they can definitively say he does or does not have cancer we not discussing anything with them. The first concerning thing is Jeremy has a growth on his liver, a small little cyst like thing. Jeremy's Dr was very clear on two things about this, 1-it would be very odd for his Hodgkin's to present only on the liver and nowhere else in his body 2-it would be very early for a secondary type of cancer to be showing up. So what does that leave? She believes it's just a small benign cyst or hemangioma, she is fairly certain it will just be one more thing we keep an eye on but we are doing a more in depth scan/ct/mri (honestly can't remember which) to be certain. The second concerning thing on his scan was a discoloration area on his lungs.  I hesitate to use the word spot, because a spot on his lungs sounds like cancer. His Dr was again very convincing in her argument that she doesn't believe it to be cancer. She thinks it looks more like lung damage, which you may think doesn't sound much better but I think sounds a world better then cancer. Lung damage is a very likely thing for Jeremy to have, because although he's a 32yr old man who's never smoked a cigarette he's a 32yr old man who's had pretty major surgery to his chest and who's been on some pretty toxic (specifically lung toxic) chemotherapy's. So again a different scan/ct/mri thing is needed to clear everyone's minds. In the medical world, especially when you have as long of a history as Jeremy does, they talk a lot about the way "you present" meaning how the cancer shows up. Jeremy has presented the same every time. Every time. A very obvious "lit up" node or spot or a whole Christmas tree has shown up....this is not the case today. Today's scan looks clear.

So I choose to believe this is not cancer. I'm taking the hope his Dr is giving me. I'm having faith in life. I'm choosing to be ok-ish.

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