So on this day of mandatory loving, this is just note about hating love sometimes.......
In the last year I have started and continued going to the gym, people around me have noticed and encouraged me along the way. Many have asked how I do it, honestly I think the only part that confuses them is that I get up at 4:30am to work out, but either way I have said every time it took me 5 yrs post last kid to be able to do any of it. I wake up at 4:30 because it doesn't effect anyone in my house but me. It makes the least waves and it creates the biggest calm.
This week reminded me exactly why it took so long to make ME a priority. This week I wasn't the priority. This week I went from dealing with one sick kid to another to a sick adult. This week I fell into a very comfortable, familiar role, albeit one that I do not like, familiar nonetheless. In this familiar role I was up all night propping coughing kids up or getting ice packs for feverish heads and I was missing work (and night's out with friends) to cuddle my loves. The only difference was this week I was still trying to make time for me, several times this week as I was leaving the house at 4:30am I was not the only one awake, and it's hard to leave when you haven't slept all night and are already leaving the house awake. I cherish my mornings now. I love waking up by myself, getting a great work out in, then returning home to a hot cup of coffee and shower before anyone else has even cracked their eyelids open. I have come to enjoy the moment I take for myself everyday, and feel like a better person the rest of the day because of it.
Trying to be everything for everyone in my house is extremely exhausting, any mom will tell you the same thing. Yet it doesn't change the outcome. We still try to be more then is humanly possible. We still blame ourselves when we aren't. We still give and give till there's nothing in us for us. This week reminded me of that. I fell into bad eating habits, I skipped my me time, and I was grumpier because of it, but here's the kicker....I'll do it again next week if I need to! My family does come first. I will stay up all night every night if that's what needs to be done, I will make sure they are well before, after and during anything I do for myself. It sounds crazy, even as I type it I'm thinking you are insane! My only solace is that right now today, I have felt the freedom of having me time, I know what it takes to make me a priority, and I will do it again. I will struggle through these moments, and I will not be (too) hard on myself because love makes you do strange things sometimes.