Monday, October 19, 2015

Real Boys Cry

This weekend Jeremy and I had the joy of taking our boys to their first concert, and it was awesome. Many parts of it were just as expected. The twinkle in their eyes and the wonder on their faces was everything we were hoping. Jeremy and I have been to a few concerts and every time the boys would ask if they could go to one, so we started hunting for the right concert...we settled on Zac Brown Band. We listen to a lot of country around here so they know the music already and it turned out to be  the perfect intro to big concerts but it came with one big surprise.

The concert had been going for about an hour, maybe more when Sawyer sat down in one of the chairs we had brought. I assumed he was just tired, it was after all a late night, but I went to check on him to be sure. He asked if I'd sit with him for a little bit. Of course I did. As we sat and rocked out to some great live music, Sawyer snuggled into me and said, I feel like crying.  Usually this isn't something you want to hear so I asked him why "Mom, I'm just sooo happy! I can't believe this is happening and I just, I'm just so happy!" Feeling so loved that you want to cry is not a feeling everyone gets or is able to verbalize, I was stunned by my sweet boy once again. I responded the only way I knew how "Cry Sawyer, if you are so happy you need to cry, please do!"

Before the words were even out of my mouth he had leaned in and was sobbing!! Not little tears, big giant alligator tears rolling down his cheeks, heaving sobs coming from his chest, my heart melting in my chest. I have held tears before, hell I'm probably holding some now, and that pain is immense. It is also too often what we are told, we are told to hold it all in. Told to suck it up, to get over it...whether it's joy or pain the sentiment is keep it in. My little man looked up at me and his eyes said thank you. Tears streaming down both our cheeks I said again "anytime you need to cry that is an ok time to cry, and I will hold you anytime you want." He cried more and you could literally feel his body softening. He finally let go. I know joy started those tears but they were filled with fear, and sadness also. I couldn't believe he had held it so long. I couldn't believe he thought he needed to hold on to it longer. He needed permission to let it out, and that was hard for me. I don't want to raise a man who can't cry. It will do him no good to hold it in. I whispered in his ear how proud I was of him, how much he was loved, and how special it was that next time we hear this song on the radio I will be able to think about this moment, sitting under the stars, holding my heart in my arms. We spent the rest of the evening cuddling in that chair, and it was perfect.

As we walked back to our car with his hand in mine he said "Mom thank you so much for inviting me to this"

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