Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Other Side

So last month Jeremy completed his radiation and once again our waiting game begins. He will be rescanned in a few months, and until then we sit in limbo. I've said it a million times but geez waiting sucks! The unknown is scary, and you somehow forget how scary till you are here again. Luckily summer is upon us and we have lots of adventures planned.

Yesterday as my children were finishing their last day of school I had the opportunity to sit and chat with a woman, a woman I'd never met, yet knew sooo well. I knew her fears. The ones where you will be a widow, raising two kids, all the while wondering how this is your life.  I knew her tears. They come from seeing your best friend become someone you don't recognize and wondering if you'll ever see them the same again. Tears of fear you are failing at providing the love your children need while also caring for your spouse. I knew her.  I also knew her strength. She is the embodiment of selflessness, someone who doesn't stop when she is tired, who loves more then she knew she could and she is the warrior her family needs. I knew her because we stand in the same arena.  Although her husband is the one battling cancer she is fighting too.

Seeing her reminded me so much of my past. I forgot how much I had to fight. I had to fight every second of everyday for my family. I forgot how much it hurt. Pain even emotional pain is remembered in your body, looking into her eyes my heart began to hurt. My stomach was in knots remembering. I left feeling exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Exhausted because it was hard to bring it all up. To share the journey was scary, especially because I couldn't say "but don't worry it all gets better!" I couldn't lie to her. It gets easier, but the fear is always there. The easier is where the exhilarating part comes in. Some days it's easy to feel that life is crushing me, I forget where I've been and how much has changed. I doubt myself in the arena. Seeing her and knowing her fears I know I'm not in that battle anymore, and  that is exhilarating.

I know she will get through, I could see it in her face, but today as you go through your day battling your way through life send some love to my new warrior friend for she is my past and I promise she needs love.

These are my monkey whom I fought for everyday. They are why I continue to fight!

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