I have very few memories of my mother, and yet I miss her all the time. I try not to let myself think about why she isn't here and focus on the fact that my life is the way it is because of her. And I feel I've lived a good life. I am probably closer to my siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles because of her death. These relationships have held me together on some bad days, so for that I am eternally grateful. There have been very few instances where I have felt angry she wasn't here, my wedding day is one. The birth of my boys is another, or rather at their births knowing they wouldn't meet. Most recently I wish she were here when I found out Jeremy was sick. Fear is not something I do well with. I like knowing what the worst case scenario is so that I can prepare for that and be pleasantly surprised when it's better. And the fear that came with his diagnosis may never go away. I could have used her encouraging words.
One thing I've rarely thought about is how she must have felt knowing she was going to be leaving behind four kids. I don't think I've ever thought about how scary that must be, to know you won't be there for the good days or even the bad. I know the thought of doing this alone scares me, equally as scary the thought of them doing it without me. I believe Jeremy will make a full recovery and be by my side when we are old and gray (gray is coming faster these days) but sometimes I look in his eyes and I know there is a pain there she would understand. My mom wrote poetry and journaled sporadically throughout her life. Recently I read one of her poems, I believe it was her last, it was dated Nov. 4th `88. She passed later that month. It makes me ache to see her pain so plainly written out, but it reminds me she was glass half full kinda girl too.
My body feels tired
Tired from what? I don't know.
My heart is struggling
My mind is sorting
Pain, sadness, excitement, anger, plans,
joy, confusion, children, Guy, family
My fear of losing my grip on you Lord!
I see myself looking like a busted
robot; eyes popping out, parts missing
others barely hanging on & smoking
& speaking nonsense..
God, don't you let go of me, continue to show
me your face! Thank you Lord!