Now my current musings... I didn't start this blog to write about cancer but this is where we've gone over the years. December of 2012 was Jeremy's last bone marrow transplant which is the last time we really considered him in treatment, he has had 2 (possibly 3 if I'm being honest I've lost count) rounds of radiation for spots found since then. Relatively speaking life has been smooth sailing in regards to the cancer part of our life. I mean let's be honest it's been 6 years, it should be easy enough to say aloud by this point right?!? So why does it still seem like a dirty little secret from our past? I found myself recently telling someone about a "friends" cancer history. Part of this was me protecting myself from someone I didn't know well, but part of me didn't want to be seen differently. A few days later, Jeremy came home and told me he had told a parent from Sawyer's soccer team about his "secret", confused I asked what he meant. He said "he knows about the cancer." I realized then that he too guards that secret. We've never talked about keeping it a secret. We've never mentioned to each other that we wouldn't tell someone. It just sort of happened over time, people who lived that part of our lives with us aren't around as much as they once were. They aren't any less important we just all live such busy lives and our kids now go to different schools and are involved in different activities, but it makes our time with them so special. It also makes our time with them so easy. They know our secrets and love us anyway. With new people we have to actually say the words, and tell the story. We have to relive the painful parts of the past, and we have to see their faces change. We become a story to them. I'm sure some things about us make more sense once they know, but I never want cancer to be an excuse for us.
People who've come into our life post cancer know a different family then the one who started this journey 8 years ago. Whether we like it or not, we are all different people, Jeremy is more carefree then he used to be. I am probably blunter and less tolerant then I used to be. I'm sure my boys are different then if they would have been brought up in a home without cancer but there are some things we will never know. I struggle with not knowing which of their traits would be theirs no matter how they were brought up, and not knowing what we've caused them to be. Would Sawyer be so kind if he hadn't seen such kindness? Would he struggle with anxiety if he'd never felt such anxiety as a child? Would Oliver always be bringing smiles and hugs to his classmates if hadn't been encompassed by our amazing friends arms so much as a child? Would he need so much attention if he'd received more as kid? Just some of the things I'll never know.
Cancer is a part of us, we do live with it's scars, but unlike real scars some days our scars are hidden and we almost forget they are there while other days they are red and angry and stretch across our face for all the world to see. Some day our secret is quiet and all our own, and some days it feels dirty so we try to hide it. I'm trying to allow us all to talk about it without angst or fear, but lets be honest there is fear. In the 8 years we've been on this journey we've not made it the 5 we need to say the words cancer free, remission is a great start but feels incomplete. So today I decided to write again. For me I felt relief when I wasn't the only one who knew my life isn't pretty. I like sharing my good days as well as my bad. I will try to continue to share, and feel free to follow along but know this is an exercise of survival and living my truth. I'm trying to remember a few things with this post 1-scars can be beautiful! 2-secrets make you feel dirty even when you did nothing wrong. 3-I would have messed my kids up no matter what, so this way something else messed them up and I just get to try and fix them. Now I'm going back to the awe and wonder that some how I made these two amazing beings.....
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