New normal??

I keep mulling over this post... Not sure even exactly what I want to say or how I want to say it. There is a common theme though in my life right now about sharing authentically where you are in life.  Usually I love sharing about my life, the good the bad and the ugly but right now I think we are all in a slump and feel like its a lot of ugly so I haven't been as eager to share. Anyhow today after a good counseling session this weekend I guess I'm trying to share.

I haven't really updated much on Jeremy's treatments or treatment plan. Currently he is scheduled to be on chemo until March. He goes every 3 weeks and is there for most of the day. Due to the fact that he's had a couple major reactions (think anaphlylaxis) to this chemo drug he is hesitant to take others or even go on his own so at this point we are both there most of the day. Luckily our kids are older now and can be left home. They also now understand the seriousness of this whole situation so it is always the day we can count on them to be on their best behavior. This is where the fun begins in our current cycle. After chemo Jeremy usually works Thursday and Friday but comes home and crashes Friday afternoon. As the treatments have progressed so have his side effects. Usually the first weekend he's pretty tired, for example this Saturday after chemo on Wednesday he slept until about 4pm then was back in bed by 9:30pm.  Typically by Monday he's back to work, but comes home early and is on pain meds and or anti nausea drugs for about seven to ten days after chemo. At this point he has been starting to feel a little better but then starts with the physical side effects (the ones everyone can see) He tends to develop a rash on his arms and his lips swell/crack and become visibly irritated staying that way for about a week, leaving usually about a week of feeling good and being unmediated. That's when we get to do it all again!

Facetime and Selfies while at Doctors appointments....

The three weeks between his last round was a little harder than usual which also seems to be the trend, that side effects are becoming harder after each round of chemo. One of the shocking things for those who see him is how healthy he looks and seems.  It's hard for everyone to grasp how much he's going through because he  looks and acts so normal. Even though this new normal is happening seamlessly I have to remind myself it is not normal and we all as a family have to give each other a lot of grace to process things in our own time and in our own ways. We all try to cherish our good days together and we are all in counseling to help us with coping skills on the hard days.

Today my ten year old is spending this afternoon creating an art piece we are calling "Cancer Sucks" where he is writing all words he feels, associates or wants to tell cancer. He asked if he could say "all the words" which I take to mean swear words, my response: Yea, Fuck Cancer!

So we go on, not comfortably, but also not ignorant to our truth. We talk about it often because we all have no idea what our future holds and one thing that makes that easier is knowing we aren't alone on the journey.  Anyhow for now I hope that wasn't too confusing, because I'm still wondering if I said anything or everything or nothing or somehow all those things.

Till next time my friends,
Liz