So today at the infusion center an older gentleman who was volunteering there playing the piano stopped to chat with us, he told us he had personal experience with the cancer center and told Jeremy to keep fighting the good fight. When Jeremy replied with a smile "oh I've been fighting this fight for almost 9 years, I'm not giving up yet!" You could see that the man and the nurse beside him were both shocked to hear it had been that long. Once the man walked away the nurse looking much softer said "wow that's a long time to be going through all this." I'm not sure what the correct response is, or what one wants to hear at this point. So a simple "Yes it is" is all that was said. It got me thinking about something though, about how the way people perceive our lives can affect us.
Have you ever heard people say that the best part of getting older is not caring about other peoples opinions of you? Or that as you get older you just say whatever you want? I don't believe I've reached that age yet, but I do think that something similar happened in our cancer story. We started our cancer journey in January of 2011 watching what we said, spinning things positively always, worrying about how those around us would receive the news. Over the years I've stopped doing that. With each recurrence it's almost like a small filter came off with it. I just don't have the energy or want to make my life look pretty for others anymore. To be blunt I'm tired of wrapping my shit up with a pretty bow. So I've stopped for the most part. I think my friends are worried for me because I answer frankly when asked how I'm doing. I think my family wishes they were closer to help with mundane tasks like transportation and meals but honestly I'm fine. Is my life is a constant state of exhaustion, does my house often have mountains of laundry laying around it, am I doing more than my share of the housework, honestly yes, but I would guess the same could be said by many of you. Do I struggle? Am I tired? Hell yea, and now, after eight and a half years, I'll tell you all about it when asked.
I'm guessing a lot of this is no revelation to anyone. It has definitely had me doing a double take on my own life though! I've always considered myself authentic and honest so to realize I wasn't sharing everything felt dishonest. It's taken me a minute to realize that sugar coating it and caring about others wasn't hiding or lying about my life. Just like now not sugar coating sometimes feels crass or rude but it isn't. This messy, crazy life is all mine and it's beautiful and obnoxious all at once and yes I'd change a lot of it if I could.
Smooches-
Liz
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