Never the Same

I've had conversations about death all my life. When your mom dies when you are young, you get used to talking about it. You also get used to people's odd, uncomfortable, sometimes weird responses to it. If you haven't experienced a lot of loss in your life, or if you just are uncomfortable talking about death, allow me to share my two cents with you. It's never the same. 

Years ago at a family function amidst tears and laughter one of my uncles was recounting stories of his two sisters (who have both passed) and how much he missed them. My cousin and I who both lost our mothers way to early were soaking up every word, he knew these women in a way we never would. As much as he lost he kept saying but I didn't grow up without a mother. His pain was different. He lost two sisters in two years but by this point they were all grown and raising families of their own. There was immense loss, but his day to day was not impacted the same as my homes, or my cousins. We all lost the same two women, but it's not the same.

My cousin story of losing her mother suddenly to a car accident was not the same as mine when I lost a mother after years of battling a brain tumor. She previously had been raised by a single mother and in an instant was being raised by a single grandmother. A women who was still grieving the loss of her daughters now also had to raise a child she never intended to raise. There was immense love but it was not her mothers love. My father had known his fate for years, he had moved his parents in to our home to help with the day to day years before. There was also immense loss and love in my home, but it came with years of built up support and anticipatory work. It's not the same. We both lost our moms, but it's not the same.

Last year a girlfriend of mine lost her husband, she has been a incredible support and shoulder to me. She has given me advice no one who hasn't lost a spouse would know to give. She has allowed me to speak freely about the pain as well as the relief, she has held space for the fucked up with out judgment or advice. Our stories are not similar, we had years to prepare, she had not even a moment. Either way we both are now raising two teenagers as single mothers and we both are now foraging forward with dreams we created with a partner alone. We both know the pain of sleeping (or not sleeping) alone. We both watched our children break as we told them their father's are no longer here, it's a terrible club I hope you never join but even with her, it's not the same.

No matter how good we may appear to you after a loss all our lives are a mess, and no one can understand it.  Not to say the camaraderie of someone who understands you isn't amazing, the story and the feelings are always unique. Death is a part of life, and we are all doing our best but please know we are not the same. 

Our last Christmas together

Our 1st vacation without Jeremy

Doing my best to get by, 

Liz

Uncertain times

If you live on this planet I'm sure you are aware of the state of craziness that is happening right now. I know it may all seem extreme, but let me say thank you for doing your part from the small percentage of people you are trying to save right now. From everything I've read and understand (Not an expert on any level) my home is looking at a while before we get to socialize again. I've never felt the need to expressly say it here before but I am an extrovert, a big one!!! The knowledge that I'm not sure when I will see my friends again, when I will get to return to work, or even when I will get to grocery shop for myself again is overwhelming to say the least. What isn't overwhelming is the opportunity to see the world and my community shine. People are showing up for each other and that makes me so happy!!

I thought I'd take a moment to share how my house is showing up for others and for ourselves this week. This isn't a competition or a show of how great we are doing, believe me there has been a lot of screen time, this is just ideas to help you see what still can be done to feel like a community even when you feel so alone. Also as a reminder, my home is immunocompromised so while sharing things I've prepared here in my crazy sterilized home feels safe to me, I wouldn't recommend sharing anything with someone or a home you know to be immunocompromised.

So where did we begin?? Earlier this week Oliver and I searched YouTube and found a video that walks you through a painting class. We sat together and painted side by side, pausing the video and rewatching parts that confused us. We both wish our paintings had been better but the experience was pretty neat. Sawyer was interested in painting at a different level! He has been asking to paint his bedroom for awhile now but life keeps us busy and it hasn't been high on the priorities list, but guess what...we got nothing but time now! So we researched colors online, called the paint store and placed our order over the phone, did a speedy pick up and now are taking the bedroom painting a day (or a wall) at a time.

Not gonna lie, I felt good about all of that, and then I remembered I had days, weeks possibly months of this and I wanted to cry. Eventually I remembered that I had already kind of done this once before. When my boys were little Jeremy was sick and for a while I felt like and sometimes even was a single mom. To cope I would set out an activity every night before going to bed so that when they woke up they had something to do while I guzzled coffee, started a load of laundry or did whatever needed to be done. This helped all of us survive that rocky time in our lives. So I went old school and I made playdough! I set it out and every one in the house has played with it! It's been so fun! When I made it I made extra and we went for a walk around our neighborhood and left surprise bags of playdough with an anonymous note for our friends with young kids in the neighborhood. The boys loved doorbell ditching friends so it was a game as well as a little exercise and it made us all not feel quite so alone.

The last thing I'm going to share has been sooo easy and yet silly and fun. I know that with the quarantine a lot of families are taking walks around their neighborhoods, I mean we all need some exercise right? So the boys and I put up a bright sign that says "JOKE OF THE DAY" and everyday we are putting a new joke up for the walkers to see. Today's funny: Ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks. ;) Funny right?!? Hopefully it brings someone a smile today.

Anyhow there has definitely been more home cooking, more puzzles, more walks together as well as more xbox, more tv and less showers all of which I'm making peace with. I know I feel very alone right now, but I also feel so grateful that my community is banding together to keep my family safe. You may feel it's all extreme or unnecessary so if you need a face to remind you why you are doing this let me present exhibit A: 

Still mostly sane,
Liz

Fair Weather Friend

There's a common theme that keeps appearing in conversations around here, friendship. Sounds simple enough, meet someone that makes you feel good, hang out, laugh, be friends. Except its so much more. Sometimes friendships are even work. I'm not talking about the people who you feel obligated to call friends, but actual people you want to see and matter to you can require something that is hard to give. 

I consider myself a good friend, I reach out when I know people are going through something. I make meals when births, illness or life has happened and people still need to eat. My house is always open to all. I strive to make everyone feel welcome the second they walk in the door. More of my holiday meals have been spent in the company of friends than family (settle down we like our family just don't live that close to any of them) as an adult. These are not measurements of good friends, these are just ways that I have been known to show up.  All these things are things I do out of love, for my friends. I feel so lucky to be able to support my friends, and I truly give all I can...when I can. 

Recently I've had to come to the hard truth that I am not that friend right now. I'm not apologizing for it, I have had to be and continue to be 100% focused on my immediate little family.  The struggle is internal. The struggle is with wanting to invite people over but knowing that the speed of my house is about 1/3 the speed of real life. The struggle is asking my family to be uncomfortable for even a minute because we all live in a state of uncomfortable most of the time right now. The struggle is not knowing when I will be that friend again. Jeremy has been in treatment for one year this month. One year, and our house is feeling it over here. We are all starting to hibernate, we are reserving our energy for the smiles you see when we have to leave our fortress. We are surviving, but I am not that friend.

Asking and then allowing people to be that friend to me is painful, but I do it anyway. I know how good I feel when I am able to help others so I remind myself that those around me also want to feel that joy, but it doesn't always make it easier. Doing hard things make my life a little easier so we push forward. Why do I feel the need to share this? I guess I'm hoping to encourage you to do whatever it is to show your love to your friends. Your smile, your hug, your little "thinking of you" text may really turn someones day around, and just because they aren't initiating doesn't mean they are less of a friend...sometimes it just means they are in the thick of it. 

Until the skies are sunnier, 

Your fair weather friend

Closing out 2019

Since the holiday craziness is finally behind us, I guess I can officially procrastinate no longer. Let's do a Jeremy update. I guess you could say that I've perfected procrastination. Or I wanted to get through the holidays without really sinking in to our reality, but here goes. I have to go back all the way to mid October to give you a full picture that's when Jeremy had a routine pet scan to see how the chemo he was on was doing. When we showed up to his chemo appointment later that month his Doctor came in to tell us he would not be receiving chemo that day. The pet showed that new growths had appeared, meaning the chemo was not working. He recommended we take a six week break and let Jeremy's body recover a little since he had been on chemo for so many months at this point.

We made it about 3 weeks before Jeremy decided he wanted to move forward with some sort of treatment. He was going stir crazy thinking he was just letting his body grow cancer....so we met with a radiation doctor and started steps towards starting radiation therapy. The plan was set! Jeremy would be in radiation Monday through Friday the entire month of December.  In the planning stages of radiation they do more scans where they discover that there had been significant new growth. So around Thanksgiving time he finds out that he is no longer eligible for radiation and that he needs to start a more aggressive form of chemotherapy asap. The new chemotherapy is given once a week for two weeks then on the third week he gets a break and starts the next cycle on the fourth week. Last week he completed the second set so this week there will be no chemo.

Ooohhhhh I almost forgot that in the middle of all this fun, Jeremy got shingles! Soooo fun! NOT!! Luckily this happened before he started the new chemo so while it did delay us just a tad it mainly was just an uncomfortable couple weeks for Jeremy.

I think I hit all the highlights (or more accurately low-lights) of the past few months in regards to Jeremy's treatment. We are surviving on all the good days that happened in the midst of those months. We have spent more days with family in those months than normal. We've had more friends visit than usual and we've enjoyed more meals from friends then feel like we deserve. All these things hold us up on our weak days and keep us smiling even when the nights seem dark.

This guy keeps us smiling too, I don't know how he does it but at every appointment he shows up with a smile and continually entertains the nurses and doctors. For now I guess I don't have much to say besides thanks for stopping by for our quick little update over here!

Let's hope 2020 is a little kinder to us all,
Liz

Let's talk Kesem

This post is long overdue sooo here goes: There's this little place that's oh so close to my heart. So much so that I think basically everyone who knows me knows about it. Every time I've tried to write about it here I usually talk myself out of it because I don't want to feel all the things. Today I've decided is a day for feeling, so here goes, lets talk about Camp Kesem!

Kesem is a nationwide community, driven by passionate college student leaders, that supports children through and beyond their parent’s cancer. Kesem is the largest national organization dedicated to supporting children impacted by a parent’s cancer, at no cost to families. Our innovative and fun-filled programs provide children with peers who understand their unique needs, and create long-lasting impact.
  
That's what their website will tell you, here's what it wont:
For the purpose of this story I will assume your kid like mine has had a parent get cancer, If that is true you have seen your kid become someone different since diagnosis. You've seen their sparkle dim. You've probably put them in counseling, you've offered more love than you thought was possible, and you've excused behaviors you normally wouldn't all in hopes that you could see them sparkle again. Let me tell you a secret, I know how to get the sparkle back!! It's called Camp Kesem, and it's truly Magic!

You may be thinking that I'm hyping this up a bit much, but I promise I won't even do it justice. Let's start at the beginning. Kesem is a nationwide organization that provides summer camp for kids (for free) whose parents have/had or passed from cancer. The camp is put on and paid for by money raised annually by the counselors, who all happen to be college students. OK color me impressed already! When I found out that our local chapter here at UC Davis was not only responsible for raising 150K a year to send kids to camp but that they had to plan all the day to day activities, find mental health professionals, as well as nurses to join them at camp and still be expected to be full time students I was floored. All I could think about was all the things I was doing at their age....imagine more beer and less kids. What kind of people would choose this to be the organization that they committing their college age self to? Well only about the most impressive people I've ever met!

When I first heard about this camp I brought it up with my boys. Wanna hear how excited they were? Their exact words were "You want us to go to a camp where everyone has parents with cancer? Ummm, no thanks!" So it's safe to say we didn't go that year. What we did do was talk about it a couple times, watch a few videos on YouTube and eventually we went to a picnic they host annually to help keep in contact with campers as well as get to know prospective camper families.  Basically it's a big field day, a picnic with games for the kiddos all run by those amazing college kids I talked about earlier. I couldn't make it that day so Jeremy and the boys went without me, when I asked about it after it was as if I had asked about a trip to Disneyland. They couldn't stop talking about all these people they'd met. Honestly I only understood about a third of what they were saying because all the counselors go by funny names so I kept having to ask things like "Is splash a person? Beatz is his name not a sound right?" What I never had to ask was if they had fun. The joy was all over their faces. Needless to say that year was the boys first summer at Camp Kesem.

Drop off happens at a park in Davis on a Sunday in early summer. We were all nervous, knowing they would have each other made all of us a little calmer. Jeremy and I had big plans for our child free week which ended up looking like work, dinner, pass out...it was too quick and pretty great. Friday rolled around and we couldn't wait to pick up our two boys. As they came off the buses one thing became quiet clear, we had definitely missed them more than they had missed us. We got a giant hug from each of them as they ran quickly back to their friends and counselors. The car ride home was where we started to learn about Kesem. It started simple "So how was camp?" After a quiet pause a simple "Mom, Kesem is Magic" slipped out of Oliver's mouth. They both had been very worried about having to share their cancer connection. I had checked and reassured them several times before they left that no one was made to share their story. If they decided to share their story it was completely up to them. So I cautiously asked "did you talk about papa?" this was answered by Sawyer "Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." I won't lie I wanted to hear everything!!!! But part of the magic I've learned is that they have this safe community that is all their own.

Over the years I have had glimpses in to their camp experiences, Sawyer shared once that during cabin chat he had been sharing with his group about how his father had missed two of his birthdays while in the hospital, he said when he was done the boy next to him shared that his dad had missed every one of his birthdays since he was six. This was one of the first times that I know Sawyer completely understood that even though his dad had missed something very important, the most important thing was that his dad was here. His dad got to tuck him in at night and wake him every morning. I had tried for years to explain how fortunate he was for years and all he could see was that his dad had missed two of his birthdays. The words he used to express his feelings about these campers were that he had found his people and I could see it in his face that his heart was healing. As sad as that story sounds it was something that through the years I hadn't been able to impart on him. The growth I see in my boys yearly on their week away continues to amaze me.  If that week was all we got out of camp it would be more than enough but throughout the years camp has escaped the confines of the one week away and has slipped in to our everyday lives. Counselors have come to watch my boys play soccer, as well as joined them for pick up games at the park on a weekend. We've invited some in to our homes for dinner, pumpkin carving, even just some good old fashioned video game playing. They are eager to connect, and have truly become a second family.

Every year people graduate and move on from Kesem and the whole family thinks well next year won't be as good, and somehow new amazing faces show up and wrap their arms (literally and figuratively) around us all. Here's where I as a parent know that these people are honestly super humans, as they graduate their commitment to this organization is completed, their duty done, yet I don't have enough hands to count all the graduates who are now just friends.  After graduation if they wanted they could just use this as a resume addition and have a little karmic deposit to cash in on in the future, but to them it is so much more. To us it is too.

Since becoming a part of this community I've dedicated a lot of time to helping them raise money, for one simple reason More $ = More kids at camp! No child in this situation should feel out of place or like they don't know where they belong. No child should be forced to grow up before their time. Kesem  is dedicating to giving these kids their childhood, and a community.  If you know of anyone who has a child whose parent has dealt with cancer, invite them to research  Camp Kesem and if you don't know anyone (that's amazing) but maybe you could still help send a kid to camp?

https://donate.kesem.org/KasaKennish2019

Hug them, please

I've written before about how I am a hugger, I was raised by huggers and I've created two more people who also are good huggers and who enjoy hugs. It's taken me awhile to realize not all children or adults like being hugged so I'm trying to become more conscious and always ask but I definitely identify as a hugger! I've loved having my boys always want to curl up for an early morning snuggle, but now that we've entered that lovely preteen angst-y fun it happens less and less. I can still count on them for quick kiss goodbye or goodnight but the soul feeding hugs have become harder to find.  It may sound silly but I'm worried for my boys because they aren't getting all their hugs! I still find my hugs everywhere, I seek out friends, I hug almost anyone I meet, I've even stopped my car to hug friends I haven't seen but who are going in different directions then me, but my boys main source of hugs is home and they currently aren't having it here. I think they feel like my hugs are trying to cure something or take away sadness. To be fair they 100% are! But that doesn't make them any less needed!! Anyhow this is a simple, small request to those who may see my children, if you too are a hugger (or you aren't but are willing to be uncomfortable for a few seconds) ask my boys for a hug. I know they could use it! ...who knows maybe you could use it too!

XOXO-

Liz

state of tired

Usually right around Jeremy's monthly chemo I get the urge to reach out to the masses (hello if you are out there) and give an update or just a hey from Sac Town! Guess what time of the month is, chemo-time!

So today at the infusion center an older gentleman who was volunteering there playing the piano stopped to chat with us, he told us he had personal experience with the cancer center and told Jeremy to keep fighting the good fight.  When Jeremy replied with a smile "oh I've been fighting this fight for almost 9 years, I'm not giving up yet!" You could see that the man and the nurse beside him were both shocked to hear it had been that long. Once the man walked away the nurse looking much softer said "wow that's a long time to be going through all this." I'm not sure what the correct response is, or what one wants to hear at this point. So a simple "Yes it is" is all that was said. It got me thinking about something though, about how the way people perceive our lives can affect us.

Have you ever heard people say that the best part of getting older is not caring about other peoples opinions of you? Or that as you get older you just say whatever you want? I don't believe I've reached that age yet, but I do think that something similar happened in our cancer story. We started our cancer journey in January of 2011 watching what we said, spinning things positively always, worrying about how those around us would receive the news. Over the years I've stopped doing that. With each recurrence it's almost like a small filter came off with it. I just don't have the energy or want to make my life look pretty for others anymore. To be blunt I'm tired of wrapping my shit up with a pretty bow. So I've stopped for the most part. I think my friends are worried for me because I answer frankly when asked how I'm doing. I think my family wishes they were closer to help with mundane tasks like transportation and meals but honestly I'm fine. Is my life is a constant state of exhaustion, does my house often have mountains of laundry laying around it, am I doing more than my share of the housework, honestly yes, but I would guess the same could be said by many of you. Do I struggle? Am I tired? Hell yea, and now, after eight and a half years, I'll tell you all about it when asked.

I'm guessing a lot of this is no revelation to anyone. It has definitely had me doing a double take on my own life though! I've always considered myself authentic and honest so to realize I wasn't sharing everything felt dishonest. It's taken me a minute to realize that sugar coating it and caring about others wasn't hiding or lying about my life. Just like now not sugar coating sometimes feels crass or rude but it isn't. This messy, crazy life is all mine and it's beautiful and obnoxious all at once and yes I'd change a lot of it if I could.

Smooches-
Liz

Summers come and gone away

Today my goal is to share about all the fun we had this summer. We spent a lot of our summer surrounded by family and friends, it was truly a fun summer! The easiest way to recap it all is just to to do a photo blast, but before I do I thought I'd give a quick recap of Jeremy's latest.

As Jeremy had progressed with his treatment the side effects had continued to get more and more severe. So much so that he couldn't eat without splitting his lips wide open because they were covered in sores. In early July Jeremy contacted his Dr and let him know that he'd like to be taken off the chemo he was on. His Dr requested that Jeremy get a scan to see how the chemo was working before we discontinued it, mainly in an effort to know what would be most effective moving forward. After the scan we met with the Dr to discuss the results and found out that the spot we had been treating has continued to shrink (Yay) but also that a new spot has started growing since he has started on this chemo (BOO).  This made the decision to want to switch chemos a little easier though because clearly the old chemo wasn't working any more. So at the end of July Jeremy had his first treatment on a new chemo. The side effects of this one were much easier for Jeremy to tolerate, he was very tired for a few days but overall his body feels better. All his sores and rashes have disappeared and while he does have some pain he feels like it is very tolerable. The biggest downside we see with this new drug is that he is immuno-compromised, meaning he's highly susceptible to getting sick, right as the boys are going back to school. So wish us luck with continuing to keep our home germ free. That's about all I have on him...for now. 

Now on to the main event! All the pics of all the summer fun, in no particular order,

There was so much good food with people we love!

Never enough fun with cousins....

 Someone had a birthday...

Scans and sores happened too...

We camped and played with friends we don't see often enough...

And these amazing humans all helped raise money for our favorite charity...

Basically if you can't tell we had a great summer! And now the boys are back in school and life is scooting along.

Until next time,

Liz

New normal??

I keep mulling over this post... Not sure even exactly what I want to say or how I want to say it. There is a common theme though in my life right now about sharing authentically where you are in life.  Usually I love sharing about my life, the good the bad and the ugly but right now I think we are all in a slump and feel like its a lot of ugly so I haven't been as eager to share. Anyhow today after a good counseling session this weekend I guess I'm trying to share.

I haven't really updated much on Jeremy's treatments or treatment plan. Currently he is scheduled to be on chemo until March. He goes every 3 weeks and is there for most of the day. Due to the fact that he's had a couple major reactions (think anaphlylaxis) to this chemo drug he is hesitant to take others or even go on his own so at this point we are both there most of the day. Luckily our kids are older now and can be left home. They also now understand the seriousness of this whole situation so it is always the day we can count on them to be on their best behavior. This is where the fun begins in our current cycle. After chemo Jeremy usually works Thursday and Friday but comes home and crashes Friday afternoon. As the treatments have progressed so have his side effects. Usually the first weekend he's pretty tired, for example this Saturday after chemo on Wednesday he slept until about 4pm then was back in bed by 9:30pm.  Typically by Monday he's back to work, but comes home early and is on pain meds and or anti nausea drugs for about seven to ten days after chemo. At this point he has been starting to feel a little better but then starts with the physical side effects (the ones everyone can see) He tends to develop a rash on his arms and his lips swell/crack and become visibly irritated staying that way for about a week, leaving usually about a week of feeling good and being unmediated. That's when we get to do it all again!

Facetime and Selfies while at Doctors appointments....

The three weeks between his last round was a little harder than usual which also seems to be the trend, that side effects are becoming harder after each round of chemo. One of the shocking things for those who see him is how healthy he looks and seems.  It's hard for everyone to grasp how much he's going through because he  looks and acts so normal. Even though this new normal is happening seamlessly I have to remind myself it is not normal and we all as a family have to give each other a lot of grace to process things in our own time and in our own ways. We all try to cherish our good days together and we are all in counseling to help us with coping skills on the hard days.

Today my ten year old is spending this afternoon creating an art piece we are calling "Cancer Sucks" where he is writing all words he feels, associates or wants to tell cancer. He asked if he could say "all the words" which I take to mean swear words, my response: Yea, Fuck Cancer!

So we go on, not comfortably, but also not ignorant to our truth. We talk about it often because we all have no idea what our future holds and one thing that makes that easier is knowing we aren't alone on the journey.  Anyhow for now I hope that wasn't too confusing, because I'm still wondering if I said anything or everything or nothing or somehow all those things.

Till next time my friends,
Liz

Strength in numbers

One thing Jeremy and I have always agreed on is that we would not wish cancer on our worst enemy, so the pain of a friend calling to say, I have cancer, is beyond heartbreaking. That's the call we got early this morning. "I have cancer, how do I tell my kids?" Well Fuck!! I wanted to reach through the phone and hug and cry and hold them all. In the moment as my head is spinning for them and I'm trying to think of the most important things all I can really think is this can't be happening to them too.

Cancer is a jealous lover though. Nothing is good enough, no life is safe, mothers, fathers, children, young adults, elderly we are all at risk. So what what would I say to any of them? You are your best advocate! You know if your body feels not right, so go find out why and don't take it's nothing as an answer if you know it's something. You know your limitations, don't push yourself until you are broken before asking for help! You will need the help so ask for it in the areas you are comfortable receiving it. Prepare for the worst and know it could be better...or even harder then you imagined. The hard days will make the good ones sweeter. You will lose people you thought were friends, you will also  find friends where you least expect it. People will grieve you in their own way, even as you live. You can't control most things, but you also have the most control. You don't have to tell everyone, it's your secret, keep it if you want, but know that the universe will give you strength when you are ready to share it. Advocate for yourself in all walks of life! You get to be a little more careless with your crazy right now because everyone will blame it on the cancer anyway so use your "C" card for good. Love harder, forgive more, speak truths, cherish everything but also know there will be MANY days when you cry and just say why me!

I have a heart that is breaking today. I have no words of solace to give. I do have a heart full of love that is traveling many miles to give air hugs to a family who is facing my worst fears. I do have hours of listening ears available for questions that are unthinkable to most. Today I also say welcome to worst club you could ever be apart of, but where you will find the most love you've probably ever felt.

All my love today and always,
Liz

current ponderings

What might Liz be thinking about these days you may be you are asking yourself, well let me enlighten you....

As soon as I hit send on the “crushing cancer” post I feel like I jinxed myself!  Or maybe I just allowed myself to be aware of the ways we are still struggling.  Honestly our day to day is a whole new kind of easy, but I’m wondering if that’s just this stage of life because when I think about the actual cancer aspect of our lives I realize it’s not too different from the past, except for Jeremy. Jeremy is so good, he’s so good at pushing himself to participate in our stuff. In the past I think when he was tired he rested more, part of that I know was just shear exhaustion from the treatment but part was also I think wanting to escape that this is his reality. Now I see him showing up until he literally can’t keep his eyes open and even then he retreats for only as long as he needs to recover and then is back out with us. He will rest outside if we are playing outside he will rest in the yard at party if that’s where we are, he wants to be where we are and puts everything else aside to be there. He apologizes for needing to nap, and I try my hardest to never let him see me struggle because he needs more time. He's so much better at taking care of himself too. He prepares his body for chemo and in doing so helps his body recover faster. He really is so good but that doesn't mean this isn't hard.

We are crushing it at this game, but I think that looks very different than one might think. It doesn’t mean our lives are normal, it means we’ve adapted. We go to the grocery store together and when nausea hits we stand in an aisle while I fish drugs out of my Mary Poppins bag and we wait for them to kick in. It means when he gets home from work he sometimes retreats to take a pain pill so the feeling "of being hit by a truck" can subside since he couldn't take the pain pill at work and drive home. We go to a friends for dinner and I don’t drink because I know I will be driving home with a husband possibly falling asleep in the seat beside me because he wore himself out engaging. I cherish these nights because instead of asking me and the boys to go alone he used his energy and good vibes to simply be with all of us before he needs to rest his eyes. All of this (and so much more) is what crushing it at this game looks like.

This in no way is a poor us blog. This is a simple reminder and validation that this is life with cancer. Rainbows and sunshine look different for us.  Sometimes I think I post so much about the positive that I may be taking away from the real struggle that is life with cancer so I wanted to take a moment and honor everyone's struggle who has been here. We can adapt but that doesn't make this normal.  Dealing with childhood anxiety and depression brought on by worrying about a parent's death isn't normal. Stressing because you said til death do us part but you thought that meant around 90 not 40 is not normal. These are all just the tip of the iceberg really, there is soooo much more the weight could crush you. Feeling your mortality this closely isn't normal, but we deal, and we are surviving...hell we are crushing this, it's only cancer after all.

About last weekend

The whole point when I started blogging was always to share my real life. I've tried to keep it real with the good and the bad even though I'm a glass half full person I try to share the hard things in an effort to help everyone know no ones life is always rainbows. I know my last post was all "We are Amazing" and as much as I've started this post a few times wanting to share my story with a positive spin, it didn't feel honest. I stand by everything I said in the last post, it was honest when it was written and I do still feel like we are coping so much better then we have in the past but today this is also honest. 

This weekend the boys were given the opportunity to go to a Sac Republic (Sacramento's USL soccer team) with a group of counselors from Camp Kesem. The counselors reached out when they heard about Jeremy's relapse and asked if the boys would want to join them, of course the boys jumped at the opportunity and haven't stopped talking about it since. I realize I've never really talked about Kesem on the blog before and this isn't the day for that because it deserves it's own amazing review but I will say if you have children in your life who have a parent who has, had or passed from cancer look up camp Kesem. Please it will change their life! These guys showed up to pick up the boys with a whole jar of love notes from counselors. So we now have two Good Vibes Jars going in our home! Honestly this group of college kids restores all my faith in the human race every time I see them. I thought treating my boys to this fun evening was already so special but now they wake up everyday and open a little note reminding them why they matter and I just can't help but wonder how I got so lucky to be surrounded by such loving people. Camp Kesem is magic and my family is so lucky to be apart of it.

While my boys were being spoiled with some one on one time with some of their favorite people Jeremy and I used the childless night to go on a date. We had sushi with friends and it was great. The conversation was easy, as it always is with them, the food yummy and just overall it felt great to enjoy some adult conversation and time, except for some reason I just felt like I wanted to cry all night. Not one hard thing was going on but I couldn't shake the feeling of not being 100% in the moment.

The next day I spent almost the whole day taking care of myself. I spent the morning with girlfriends soaking in a jacuzzi, steaming in a sauna and just catching up with two amazing women I don't see often enough. After I came home and took a nap, spent a couple hours enjoying my family and then set off to have dinner with another lovely girlfriend I haven't seen in forever. It was a picture perfect day! I was so proud of myself for taking one day on self care. I would do this day over and over again every Sunday if I could, and yet all day I was on the verge of tears. I'm still trying to reflect on myself and figure out why I can't shake this feeling but all I know is that as much as I'd love to say we have gotten so good at this cancer life, it still sucks. 

Last weekend was a great weekend, one worth sharing about, but I'm sharing for one reason...to keep my story honest. When life is good I love sharing about it because it's fun to share my joy, but sharing my heartache is harder. I don't like to dwell on the hard parts, I think I hope that if I ignore it it might disappear faster but we all know that's not how it works. So today I'm sharing the hard parts to hopefully acknowledge it and move along. To remind myself and anyone else who may need it that just because you feel broken doesn't mean you won't heal.

Until next time -Liz

Crush'n it!

Ok this ones going to be a humble brag, or as my nieces say a flex, albeit a weird flex, a flex nonetheless! Sooooo.......I'm writing this from a chemo infusion room, while my boys are home (probably playing video games) on spring break, tonight the boys and I have a movie date planned while papa is recovering from chemo because my family is CRUSHING this cancer game! Ok let's be real, it's taken us 8 years to perfect this and I'm not sure this is something people plan on perfecting but over the last 8 years we haven't gone more then 2 without having some run in with this demon. Even 2 is pushing it, Jeremy has gotten more "routine scans" then most have had dental cleanings in those 8 years so we've had a lot of time to "perfect" this. This is Jeremy's second treatment and while the first went relatively quickly and without incident I know this one will be even better! Last round Jeremy had some pain, nausea/lack of appetite, and fatigue to deal with, this round we've prepared for all of these things. Pain meds are filled and ready at home. Pain is what his doctor is blaming most of the fatigue on so that should be less this round too! I made some super nutritionally dense chicken broth (that is also super yummy) to have on hand for days when eating seems daunting. I know I could be counting all my chickens, but again this round we are killing it!

We are communicating like rock stars. We are allowing room for grieving and processing without anyone completely withdrawing from life. We are all stepping up and helping keep the house moving in a forward direction. I think we have all gotten to a place of understanding of our own needs that we had never experienced before. We have all reached out to people to when we felt we could use support and have luckily created a support network for ourselves in the last 8 years unlike any other! I'm sure the boys age is extremely helpful in all of this but they were never the only ones struggling so I'm sure their age isn't the whole change. Lets be real this has been a very real part of our lives everyday for as long as we all remember. At home cancer isn't a four letter word. While we may not all be shouting it from the rooftops we are all able to say it sucks...but move on. Our household mentality has definitely become while this is in our home it isn't our home. We are still allowed to be happy. We are still able to have fun and play. We are also able to cry or feel sad at a moments notice just because. I think that last part is what I'm most proud of, because that's what I hope sticks even after all this cancer stuff is gone. My boys know pain and joy, they understand good days and bad, their lives will be fuller and more complete because they have made room for all the things that life will bring their way.

Anyhow today I'm here, in the rain, drinking water, realizing we got this shit! Not gonna lie it's a pretty awesome feeling. So my reminder to everyone else is take the small wins when they come. Life doesn't have to be rainbows and unicorns to be good, it can also be chemo and chicken broth.

-Love and smiles from this guy & I

Here we go again.....and again.

Looks like it's time to bust out the ol' blog again... You can probably guess what that mean, here we go again. A few weeks ago we found out Jeremy has another spot and will be undergoing treatment again in the near future. We've met with the Dr once and have heard lots of "options" but as of yet he hasn't decided the best course of action.  He's currently getting second opinions and researching while we sit and fidget, and basically go insane with the wait. We see him next week and should have a better idea of what to expect, but could be a month before Jeremy starts treatment.

As expected this was quite a shock to the boys. They've both expressed their fears with wisdom beyond their age but have also have had moments of fear, sadness and anger which we knew would come. This is the first time we've told them and then asked who they wanted to notify. They are older now, they have a circle, they have friends and they have to right to tell their story the way the want it to be heard and by whom. If you are a parent in their circle, please try and honor their wishes. I know what gets discussed in every home is different and you obviously you can discuss as you wish, but know that over here I have one child who is terrified he's going to be treated differently by his friends and another who went straight to school and told his entire class in hopes of extra support. We are in uncharted territory. Previously we (mainly I) shared our story the way I saw fit, now we have two very different young men living in our home who need support in different ways also telling their truth to the world. We are learning. We are growing. We are loving each other.

This weekend we ran away to Universal Studios with some of the kids' cousins. We made no excuse for our trip, we sugar coated nothing...We are driving 6 hours to get some hugs and to keep our minds busy for a few days. From my perspective the trip was a success. My kids felt loved, and we all got some much needed hugs. I was probably the worst company ever, my mind is not right. In front of my boys I try and smile, as soon as they step out of eye sight the weight in my chest is visible in my face. I see it when I look in the mirror.

This brings me to the point of this blog!  As soon as we share our story with anyone near or far, family or friend the first sentence is "I'm so sorry, please let us know how we can help!" Honestly there's nothing anyone can do right now besides pray, think good thoughts, send us good juju... you know do what you do, to love us from wherever you are.....but if you are so inclined I have thought of one other thing you could do! I want to start a good vibes jar. A jar full of love from anyone and everyone willing to send it our way. My plan is to keep it on the table with love notes, jokes, funny stories, poems, mantras, anything that helps you get through the rough days and that way when any of us is having a shitty moment we can pull a note out to remind us that there is love in the world coming our way. You can email me at lizkennish@gmail.com and I can print them, or you can request my address that way too if you want it in your own handwriting. No thought is too small and no story too long. My glass of sunshine is running low so I am asking you to help fill it.  I'm guessing you'll be hearing more from me in the coming weeks because this has always been my favorite way to clear my head. But until the next time, here's some pics of this weekends fun to hold you over!

Love & Snuggles,
Liz

Secrets and Things....

Long time no chat everybody! Wish I had the time or memory to be able to catch you up on every single thing that has happened in the last year and a half but alas I don't, so let's try for a highlight reel and then move on to my current pondering's. The boys are getting incredibly big, I stare at them and wonder where the time has gone and who these young men are that are now living in my house. It constantly amazes me how very different they are. Sawyer, almost 12, is honest and kind and has a such a tender heart. Oliver, who joined the double digit family this year, is funny and always at the front of the pack in bringing his peers together. They both have faults too, but I'll keep those for another post!

Now my current musings... I didn't start this blog to write about cancer but this is where we've gone over the years. December of 2012 was Jeremy's last bone marrow transplant which is the last time we really considered him in treatment, he has had 2 (possibly 3 if I'm being honest I've lost count) rounds of radiation for spots found since then. Relatively speaking life has been smooth sailing in regards to the cancer part of our life. I mean let's be honest it's been 6 years, it should be easy enough to say aloud by this point right?!?  So why does it still seem like a dirty little secret from our past? I found myself recently telling someone about a "friends" cancer history. Part of this was me protecting myself from someone I didn't know well, but part of me didn't want to be seen differently. A few days later, Jeremy came home and told me he had told a parent from Sawyer's soccer team about his "secret", confused I asked what he meant. He said "he knows about the cancer." I realized then that he too guards that secret. We've never talked about keeping it a secret. We've never mentioned to each other that we wouldn't tell someone. It just sort of happened over time, people who lived that part of our lives with us aren't around as much as they once were. They aren't any less important we just all live such busy lives and our kids now go to different schools and are involved in different activities, but it makes our time with them so special. It also makes our time with them so easy. They know our secrets and love us anyway. With new people we have to actually say the words, and tell the story. We have to relive the painful parts of the past, and we have to see their faces change. We become a story to them. I'm sure some things about us make more sense once they know, but I never want cancer to be an excuse for us.

People who've come into our life post cancer know a different family then the one who started this journey 8 years ago. Whether we like it or not, we are all different people, Jeremy is more carefree then he used to be. I am probably blunter and less tolerant then I used to be. I'm sure my boys are different then if they would have been brought up in a home without cancer but there are some things we will never know. I struggle with not knowing which of their traits would be theirs no matter how they were brought up, and not knowing what we've caused them to be. Would Sawyer be so kind if he hadn't seen such kindness? Would he struggle with anxiety if he'd never felt such anxiety as a child? Would Oliver always be bringing smiles and hugs to his classmates if hadn't been encompassed by our amazing friends arms so much as a child? Would he need so much attention if he'd received more as kid? Just some of the things I'll never know.

Cancer is a part of us, we do live with it's scars, but unlike real scars some days our scars are hidden and we almost forget they are there while other days they are red and angry and stretch across our face for all the world to see. Some day our secret is quiet and all our own, and some days it feels dirty so we try to hide it. I'm trying to allow us all to talk about it without angst or fear, but lets be honest there is fear. In the 8 years we've been on this journey we've not made it the 5 we need to say the words cancer free, remission is a great start but feels incomplete. So today I decided to write again. For me I felt relief when I wasn't the only one who knew my life isn't pretty. I like sharing my good days as well as my bad. I will try to continue to share, and feel free to follow along but know this is an exercise of survival and living my truth.  I'm trying to remember a few things with this post 1-scars can be beautiful! 2-secrets make you feel dirty even when you did nothing wrong. 3-I would have messed my kids up no matter what, so this way something else messed them up and I just get to try and fix them.  Now I'm going back to the awe and wonder that some how I made these two amazing beings.....