Sunday, October 21, 2012


So this is a slight side note from my "me" month....I'm sure you are all slightly excited about this! :)

I'm a good pretender. I'm good at looking like life doesn't get to me. It's a skill I've perfected over the years. Honestly it's come in handy being a mom, not letting my kids know exactly how much they're affecting me. Although there are days when I realize I need to just accept that life is affecting me. I've also learned those days it usually takes me awhile, or a few beers, to get down to the issue of what is bothering me. Yesterday I knew life was affecting me, and it took no thought as to why.

On Friday, Jeremy and I went back to Stanford to discuss his bone marrow transplant in greater depth, and to plead our case. You see we were hoping that they would release Jeremy back to UC Davis after a month or so instead of having to stay there for the whole course of treatment. Much to our dismay, they refused. I understand completely why they did, but it doesn't make our future any easier to come to terms with.

They told us to prepare and plan for 100 days with the knowledge it could be more. 100 days. One hundred days. The more I say it, it isn't any easier to hear. 100 days is only the beginning, because once he comes home he will still be under a lot of care and still require a special diet, a special air filter mask, and be very physically drained. Basically it will be this time next year when I can expect to have my husband back. Honestly I am not preparing myself for this, because he always exceeds expectations and flies through everything, but the mere thought that this time he may not makes me scared.

I know he will be fine. I know we will all make it though this. I know our friends and family will step up and surpass any expectations I could possibly have for another human. But no matter how I say it it's still hard to comprehend. 100 days. Oh did I mention they hope to have this start 30 days from now.

Turning these two crazy boys into amazing, compassionate, sensitive, loving, self sufficient men is what keeps my heart moving in a forward direction. Today I'm grateful they are in my life to distract me and keep me moving.


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